Letting Go

 Today's post comes in the form of a short poem-the first time I've written a poem in a longggg time that couldn't more accurately encapsulate my feelings: 

We were beginning to wade out fully into the water 

The sediment had settled 

The waves were calm so that the cold touch of the water lapping at my skin had subsided 

A colorful lit swim bag trail guiding our path 

Illuminating each possibility and constraint

The water reflecting the bright moonlight.

But just as I began to take a foot off the ground to begin swimming out into the abyss

The sediment was stirred again

Sand debris everywhere, 

the calm surface now agitated with waves returning,

the cold water piercing my tender skin once again

Ejecting me back towards shore,

Realizing for the final time I would never be able to get used to the calm water. 

And yet through this, I realized a reminder of why I have the tattoo I do. That I'm not giving away my power anymore.

Nature always has something to teach us. Trees have a cycle that I have resisted..they bud, they grow, and then they let go, something I have resisted adamantly. I have always admired the beauty that is fall taking trips just to see the leaves. But somehow this year is the first time I have thought the mimicry of the trees annual natural shedding applied to me. I persistently and consistently tried to hold on, even to the leaves that need to fall, It's probably no coincidence I don't do well rappelling-I don't let go. I tweak, I problem solve, I overanalyze, I hold on for literally dear life, even though I have a harness on and safe ground below. It's only when I've exhausted every option and realize there is literally no other way down, will I, with an expert rappeller at my side, pry my hands from the rocks, and climb back down. This is because most of life, I usually become successful at building the bridge, needed to continue, even if it's in a different form (or in this case finding some type of alternative path down). 

Yet if we look at deciduous trees, they are the most beautiful when they are shedding their leaves, the things that no longer serve them now on the ground. It is this season when they turn to their deepest hues of color. Not when they're budding, not when they're fully in bloom, when they're letting go. And they do it so easefully, not worried about what will happen. They know it's the only way, that new buds will bloom that will help them grow. So this time, instead of picking up the leaves that have left, grasping desperately to hold onto them, I am allowing myself to lean back into the harness and walk down the wall. To let the inconsistent, confusing-as-hell, not-worthy-of-my-time leaves shed and bask in the satisfying crunch of the leaves beneath my feet, looking up at the glowing colors on the tree, the tree that is me. 

To be love

"The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion, the ultimate success of life." ~Dalai Llama

It sounds so simple, but I had a revelation-what if the true meaning of life is to be/become love? Of course, love has many contexts and definitions, so I'll go with the broadest, simplest definition I've seen: a belief in inherent goodness. When I asked this to a few friends, they all asked "to be love or loved"? "Love," I respond. Our society wants us to think "loved" because then it can sell us things to tell us how we must look to be loved, what materials we need to be loved, what we must do to be loved (people pleasing anyone?). But truly think for a moment, what is it to be love? Not to feel it, or think about it, or try to pursue it, but truly become it. Something we can't check off our to-do list as it can never be mastered. But then life's meaning emerges moment by moment; it is an approach to life, rather than a state of attainment. A choice we make every day, to recommit to, and that might be simple, but certainly is not easy. Hence why the great philosophical leaders e.g. Jesus, Socrates, Dalai Llama, to name a few preached this, but still hundreds of years later, we have not realized their teachings.

If you know me, you'll know historically I've been an incredibly achievement-oriented person who is constantly trying to think "what's next?" These past three years (post resigning as ED from CMC) have been humbling, aka incredibly challenging, not knowing that answer. I thought I was going to move across both coasts of the country for jobs, had found a life partner, and would go on two international trips this year that didn't happen due to circumstances outside my control. Life continues to demonstrate, you can't plan it, and anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves. I still don't know the answer to that question, But if I ascertain that the purpose of life is being love, then "what's next" becomes an irrelevant question. To be love doesn't answer what's my next career step, if I will find my life partner, or where will I be in five years. But it does answer what to focus on (anything that brings love to me/others) and that is what matters in life. It gives a new meaning of what type of knowledge to focus on too-anything that teaches/shows me how to love better, truer, deeper. 

Love won't get one rich, or thin, or go through life unscathed, but it will bring joy and if we love at our best, our lives take on as much meaning as possible. Without love, even through the pain, challenges, and loss, life isn't worth living for. Love is being fully human-connecting with others through the tears, the laughs, the strife, all of it. And so here's my challenge, a new way of viewing achievement. Instead of thinking "what's next," I am trying to think of "what's love?" 

This revelation was further inspired by what I read in these two articles:  

https://uplift.love/dalai-lama-what-is-the-purpose-of-life/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fully-human/201809/how-love-brings-meaning-to-life

Lessons I've Learned in Relationships

 I haven't written in so long so here I am writing-something I always long to do more of and then I let life get in the way. I'm also practicing living from the heart and with that comes being more vulnerable so here goes. I try to view every life experience, certainly including relationships as a learning experience and with that comes lessons if you let it be a growth experience. That is what I choose to focus on amidst the hurt rather than trying to understand what it was/wasn't. I'm at the end of a very intense short-term relationship and hoping some of my learnings can be helpful to others. I'm realizing the importance of letting go, of endings, and feeling those endings. Sometimes transitions/evolutions aren't the answer. Grief is not a fun feeling to feel, but it's an important one and one I have minimized or denied altogether in the past. This time around I'm actually letting myself feel and in the process coming to some pretty important revelations. 

1. You can't fix everything. If someone has decided you're not compatible (or for whatever reason no longer wants to be with you), grand gestures don't matter. You can offer repair, apology, or understanding but if another person is convinced it's not gonna work, let them go. My anxious brain has a very hard time with this one and I even went so far as to write "sorry" in green peppers on a pizza and write a heartfelt card thinking I could repair it. Turns out it doesn't change the outcome. If someone wants to be with you, they will. And vice versa.

2. Actions speak louder than words or as one of my loved ones says "talk is cheap." I used to think this was cynical, but recently I've learned it's real. I've never been wooed in my entire life before now (usually I'm the pursuer)  and y'all it feels REALLY good...Dopamine is real and being told sweet nothings and shown nothing but kindness and utmost care feels amazing...until you realize that's all it was. Empty words caught up in the potential of what he wanted it to be (or maybe it could have been) rather than seeing and celebrating me for who I am in reality. A hard lesson but unless someone has made a commitment, words are just that. Another hard lesson: people change their minds. Relationships ebb and flow and just because someone said something a month ago doesn't mean that can't change. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong; you simply see things differently/have different personalities. 

3. And then when someone changes their mind and you feel discarded...it hurts even more because they didn't just treat you normally but like the most amazing thing so when they decide it's over abruptly...it really sucks. No matter how short it was. Time doesn't measure intensity or depth. When something feels too good to be true, it probably (unfortunately) is. Which leads back to #1 and the cycle of clamoring on, trying to salvage the relationship because you want so desperately to keep feeling #2. 

4. Secure love on the other hand feels different; good, but not in a dopamine kind of way (aka healthy!). It doesn't provoke anxiety (or emotional rollercoasters). Discomfort isn't ignored but acknowledged. You can talk through things and actually tell each other how your heart is and know the other person will hold you as you cry through life's challenges and celebrate alongside you through life's joys. You can talk about the future acknowledging any hesitations. Validation and feeling heard are commonplace and needs are requested (and usually met). It's a lot less dopamine, but it's real and although new, certainly preferred. 

5. There is no harm in going slowly, especially if you have hesitations. Dopamine can override this (it certainly did for me!) but everyone needs time away from the relationship to assess how it's going and more importantly make sure you continue to be you outside the relationship. If you want to put up certain boundaries (time, body, space, etc.), do so and don't treat them as optional (I am still telling myself this one!). You matter. Your partner matters. Your sleep matters. And if your love is going to last, it can endure boundaries (and will probably be better off for it!). 

Please comment if this resonated and/or helped you!

Jaguar/Hummingbird: The Post-Honeymoon Phase

 Yoga teacher training was transformational, but that doesn't mean every day was cats and rainbows. I felt resistance in my body, mind, and even spirit. Crying daily, being attacked by miniscule no-see-um bugs (I never thought I'd wish for mosquitoes!), having physical reactions: upset stomach, body aching, fatigue, a craving for creature comforts (my first time ever!), and a large desire to just be home in my comfort zone. Our teachers warned us this would be transformational, and usually before transformation comes discomfort, but I had no idea what that would actually mean as someone who usually prides herself on being adaptable to any situation. 

The stage of Jaguar was all about entering the mind and confronting the shadow self and even when you've done a lot of work on yourself, it turns out that's just one layer. I embodied traumas I haven't thought about in decades, but there they were staring me in the face and viscerally causing my body to react. Breathwork this time involved upchucking and a level of tingles I didn't know possible. Breath is power! Even though I had confronted these traumas on a mental level in therapy and started a new identity without these traumas, I didn't realize that on a physical level, they were still trapped in my body. That night, the power of my breath expelled them from the depths of my core at last, hidden there for far too long. Breath said "I am worthy to take up space. I am worthy to feel. I matter." I started to growl. I started to feel. And that night, I vowed I wasn't going to accept less than that. And even though I've mentally known this a long time, my body needed to embody it. It needed to feel. My voice matters. All of ours do. F*&! anyone who says differently, society will, but society isn't me.

I've known for awhile I'm a people pleaser, but now I've moved into a stage of recovery: I'm a recovering people pleaser. My feelings are valid even if they don't match someone else's, be that partner, family, colleague, or friend. Trying to fit into the classical musician box certainly was one cause of this condition; I had to to survive with "juries" and "Judges" in order to pass. But now, rather than singing music to prove myself as a musician or receive a good grade or add something to my singer resume, I choose what I participate in. I only sing music that is life-giving in a community that is life-giving. As part of work last week, we did a retreat for a client and I heard the term "deload language." We have to break down the language that is being used and explain what is happening. YES! I've needed external validation for too long. Without it, I felt psychologically unsafe- I needed to justify, needed to rationalize, needed to be coaxed, needed to fix. But in this Jaguar phase, I had the opportunity to simply be. 

It wasn't easy. It was emotional. It was scary. It was definitely NOT enjoyable. It was lonely without someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright. My teacher said "this is when we get to learn to hold ourselves" and that was POWERFUL! A few mornings later, I had drawn the card of water so I decided to go down to the water for my walking meditation. Water taught me an important lesson that morning She said my waves can lap at your feet and cuddle you too. Nature can cuddle/hold us too in a way humans can't. We can give back what doesn't serve us to the Earth, be cleansed anew by water, burn away what doesn't serve us or reignite our passion, and breathe in new life with air in every moment. Until that moment, I've relied so much on another human to tell me it was going to be okay. That day I began to realize I don't need that external validation; I had everything I needed within. 

YTT reflections 2: Temezcal

 The temezcal is a traditional sweat lodge ceremony that represents the womb of Mother Earth found throughout Central America. Essentially it’s a circular dome made from Earth heated by steam from the coals in the middle that you sit around naked. The idea is Mother Earth is holding you, such a beautiful image. Each round of stones honors a different element. they add more coals and then add water to them, making it hotter with each puerta (literally door since Adding stones is the only time the door is open) and it is all done in ceremony with prayers, blessings, and songs. 

I’m working on a song about the experience but suffice it to say that I’ve never sweat so much or been so hot in my entire life and I’ve done two of these before! But afterwards you feel so amazing! 

It’s quite traditional to go naked which we did. At the end after leaving the temezcal, we drank a butterfly pea herbal Tea out of coconut shells to rehydrate And sat by a fire. It was such a beautiful image. Women in the middle of the jungle, circled round the fire naked.  Something that would usually be seen as wrong, was an experience bringing us back to our roots as what I imagine cave women did. 

As you can imagine, these experiences in the serpent cycle/the body have created a really sacred sangha (community) and I can only imagine what this next cycle of the Jaguar/mind will teach me/unravel. Stay tuned!

Yoga Teacher Training (YTT) Cycle 1 Reflections: Power of Breath Work

 Intro: if you ask me how yoga teacher training is going, you’re gonna get a real answer (below is just an excerpt of the transformation that has already begun). But if you want the summary, the place is lovely with a lively frog chorus, a beautiful Guanacaste tree, a natural pool, and more butterflies than I’ve ever seen! The food is good, there’s only three students so it’s super intimate and they’re all lovely women (1 German, the other student and teachers from the US). 

And yes we are still practicing asana (the part of yoga most westerners call yoga) and learning how to teach a class. We’re also meditating, chanting, singing, breathing, journaling, practicing silence, and learning so so Much. I am so grateful for this experience and it’s only 25% complete! 

A major shoutout to School of Yoga Institute for letting me join so late after Peru fell through, giving me a generous scholarship, and still going ahead with the training despite the small class size and probably a financial loss. Also if you’re ever on the island of Ometepe check out Wanderlust Utopia for your stay!

And now for a deeper, longer answer. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’m seeing more types and amounts of butterflies than I’ve ever seen before, in a place full of transformation.  Here’s one example.

…and I’ve been giving away my power for too long

So I’m taking it back back back

‘Cuz it’s mine

We’ve done a lot of singing and this line of a song we sing has summed up the first cycle of the training where we studied the serpent of the Peruvian medicine wheel and shedding what no longer serves us. I realized both based on my upbringing and societal condition I’ve become a perpetual people pleaser and been afraid to ask for what I need or not known how to ask it for fear of rejection. One of the most powerful questions I’ve learned through therapy Is “what do you need”? Imagine if this was the default response to any human, especially children. As Brene Brown has taught me, we have to know how to identify our emotions in order to process them. The average human knows only THREE: angry, sad, and happy. No wonder there’s so much anger and hurt in the world, that’s ⅔ of the emotions we on average know! 

This cycle was about processing a lot of emotions, especially stuck ones. As women we’re taught not to feel, or at least not to be too sensitive or need to be consoled if we are upset,  or someone tries to fix whatever is bothering us rather than allowing us to feel. This cycle was all about letting it all go and feeeeeelliiiiinnnngggg.

The most impactful part was done through  something called holotropic breath work. The incredible thing is all you do is breathe, and on the exhale you make a sound, whatever comes out, sometimes this can be a sigh, other times it can be a yell or even a scream. Whatever your body needs. The amazing thing is you’re encouraged to keep going no matter how loud/intense the emotions. Your body may do all sorts of things and will almost definitely clamp up and tingle. Mine shivered, got really hot, convulsed, chattered, coughed, cried, gagged. It was a whole new level of embodying emotions. It might have been the only time in my life outside therapy where I was encouraged to feel! No consoling, no asking what was wrong, no problem solving.

Afterwards, my body was so heavy I didn’t feel I could even move it. My mind was absent and I’m not sure I’ve ever been so present in a savasana! I saw shapes, rainbow colors and most amazingly and importantly experiences  I never thought I could forgive, that had been buried in my body for the past 15 years were forgiven. I even had empathy and mercy for the other parties responsible and the wounded souls they had to possess to do such horrific things. 

My personal challenge is for all of you to try breathwork. I had done it before but it was nothing like this. Every time Is different and it’s important to not have any expectations. The beautiful thing is you can’t do it wrong since all it is is breathing. Having a spaceholder was key though as she did come around and help us through the intensity and/or helped ground us. I’m not sure I would do this on my own! Doing it as a group also created a sense of safety Because you heard other women feel so you knew you a) weren’t alone and b) weren’t the only one releasing crazy noises! 

I guarantee we all have at least one if not a full list of feelings/memories/traumas/Samskaras (conditioning that has distorted us from our true selves) that we need to work out of the body! It’s worked w ptsd victims and I guarantee it’ll have an impact on you!

Rejection is Redirection

 One of my resolutions for 2021 was to start writing publicly again. I've probably had a more consistent journal practice this past year than ever before but now my challenge is to share feelings publicly. As many of you now know, I didn't get the Fulbright to Spain and learned this the same day I made a public announcement about my departure from ComMUSICation the end of this school year. But when my friend told me "rejection is redirection," these words have really stuck with me. Probably because rejection has been such a common feeling as a musician, a non-societal-typical girl, and a non-married-in-her-30s woman in general. But as I look back on some of the biggest rejections, I remember how it was a redirection. Read on if you want to hear my story. Feel free to comment with your biggest redirections!

The first professional redirection I remember was in college when I was diagnosed with tendonitis. Try as I might, my piano teacher saw right through my schemes and told me he couldn't teach me if he was causing me pain. One of the humblest moments to this day was being in a beginner piano studio relearning how to play as a senior in college, but ya know what? I kept at it and a year later played a very advanced piece (Beethoven's Violin Sonata) pain-free. 

Had it not been for that redirection, I may not have ever found my love for teaching and been able to do it without demonstrating. Starting as a college freshman, I had started a small business of accompanying/teaching piano, Z's Keys. As accompanying dwindled in possibilities of what I could physically play, I took on more teaching. Of course it was better than frying chicken fingers at the college cafe, but more so I actually loved it. I loved seeing my students' progress, and realized, even without playing to demonstrate as my previous teachers had done, that I was a good teacher. Unfortunately, the music ed advisor was horrible at the time so I had been turned off from pursuing that route (still the only W on my transcript!), nor did I ever want to be a classroom teacher. But that redirection was the reason that made me qualified to teach in Tanzania and eventually brought me into Sistema classrooms across the world. All of a sudden my physical limitation didn't matter because it wasn't about me, it was about me empowering others to discover their creative outlet/potential, and that was FAR more rewarding than playing for hours in a practice room ever was to me. As an extrovert, I struggled to practice for hours/day so this was actually a win-win solution! 

My second memorable rejection was when my vocal audition for the "top" choir at our college (I'll refrain from names, but it depends who you ask at the time) bombed. My high range was shot and I was a senior so I knew that was my last chance! That rejection allowed me to study abroad and be in a choir where all voice colors were welcome, and that's what my soul needed. Not to be in a "perfect" choir, but to be in a community making excellent music-and that's what I did! I still despise auditions, afraid my name won't make a list, (it's happened many times) but I've also learned when I don't make it, I find other ways to make meaningful music in community and now am part of several auditioned choirs and project-based choir whose values align with me far more than any professional gig every could! I choose to make music, not to make a living, but to express myself and deliver a message to the world with an amazing community of like-minded people: singing at La Frontera (the border) in Tijuana/San Diego, making new songs with a trans-immigrant population in Tijuana, laughing until my stomach hurts IN REHEARSAL (not too many professional-sounding choirs can say that!), learning non-romance languages about women, these are the reasons I sing. These have certainly pushed me outside the comfortable box and also helped me realize the ways I CAN contribute to an ensemble, rather than focusing on those I struggle with. It's helped me find my musician identity rather than thinking I'm not a musician because I don't check x box. Going from a first soprano to a first/second alto was an identity shift to say the least, but I'm not sad about it one bit! I finally feel like I'm using my voice (previously deemed too chesty/manly) and singing is easy rather than a prescribed, cultivated voice that was brittle at best as a soprano after college.

Big statement I'm shifting toward: If someone doesn't want me and my whole self, mistakes and limitations included, I no longer want to make music with them. For that matter, if someone doesn't want me and my whole self for anything, I no longer want to invest in those relationships. I've been such a people pleaser to belong, to achieve, to prove I am worthy, and I no longer need that. 

This new chapter isn't about achievements or names for a resume or anything externally pleasing, it's about redirection that is internally pleasing and honors my whole self, wellness at the top of that list. I am a hard worker, anyone who knows me will tell you that, but so often I have sacrificed work for a healthy meal, a rest, a dance class, a walk on a beautiful day, a jog with a friend, things that fill me up. You can't do hard work if you don't fill yourself up consistently. So I'm putting in the rocks of wellness/joy first and then filling up the metaphorical jar with the sand of working hard, rather than vice versa that I've been doing for so long.