Jaguar/Hummingbird: The Post-Honeymoon Phase

 Yoga teacher training was transformational, but that doesn't mean every day was cats and rainbows. I felt resistance in my body, mind, and even spirit. Crying daily, being attacked by miniscule no-see-um bugs (I never thought I'd wish for mosquitoes!), having physical reactions: upset stomach, body aching, fatigue, a craving for creature comforts (my first time ever!), and a large desire to just be home in my comfort zone. Our teachers warned us this would be transformational, and usually before transformation comes discomfort, but I had no idea what that would actually mean as someone who usually prides herself on being adaptable to any situation. 

The stage of Jaguar was all about entering the mind and confronting the shadow self and even when you've done a lot of work on yourself, it turns out that's just one layer. I embodied traumas I haven't thought about in decades, but there they were staring me in the face and viscerally causing my body to react. Breathwork this time involved upchucking and a level of tingles I didn't know possible. Breath is power! Even though I had confronted these traumas on a mental level in therapy and started a new identity without these traumas, I didn't realize that on a physical level, they were still trapped in my body. That night, the power of my breath expelled them from the depths of my core at last, hidden there for far too long. Breath said "I am worthy to take up space. I am worthy to feel. I matter." I started to growl. I started to feel. And that night, I vowed I wasn't going to accept less than that. And even though I've mentally known this a long time, my body needed to embody it. It needed to feel. My voice matters. All of ours do. F*&! anyone who says differently, society will, but society isn't me.

I've known for awhile I'm a people pleaser, but now I've moved into a stage of recovery: I'm a recovering people pleaser. My feelings are valid even if they don't match someone else's, be that partner, family, colleague, or friend. Trying to fit into the classical musician box certainly was one cause of this condition; I had to to survive with "juries" and "Judges" in order to pass. But now, rather than singing music to prove myself as a musician or receive a good grade or add something to my singer resume, I choose what I participate in. I only sing music that is life-giving in a community that is life-giving. As part of work last week, we did a retreat for a client and I heard the term "deload language." We have to break down the language that is being used and explain what is happening. YES! I've needed external validation for too long. Without it, I felt psychologically unsafe- I needed to justify, needed to rationalize, needed to be coaxed, needed to fix. But in this Jaguar phase, I had the opportunity to simply be. 

It wasn't easy. It was emotional. It was scary. It was definitely NOT enjoyable. It was lonely without someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright. My teacher said "this is when we get to learn to hold ourselves" and that was POWERFUL! A few mornings later, I had drawn the card of water so I decided to go down to the water for my walking meditation. Water taught me an important lesson that morning She said my waves can lap at your feet and cuddle you too. Nature can cuddle/hold us too in a way humans can't. We can give back what doesn't serve us to the Earth, be cleansed anew by water, burn away what doesn't serve us or reignite our passion, and breathe in new life with air in every moment. Until that moment, I've relied so much on another human to tell me it was going to be okay. That day I began to realize I don't need that external validation; I had everything I needed within. 

YTT reflections 2: Temezcal

 The temezcal is a traditional sweat lodge ceremony that represents the womb of Mother Earth found throughout Central America. Essentially it’s a circular dome made from Earth heated by steam from the coals in the middle that you sit around naked. The idea is Mother Earth is holding you, such a beautiful image. Each round of stones honors a different element. they add more coals and then add water to them, making it hotter with each puerta (literally door since Adding stones is the only time the door is open) and it is all done in ceremony with prayers, blessings, and songs. 

I’m working on a song about the experience but suffice it to say that I’ve never sweat so much or been so hot in my entire life and I’ve done two of these before! But afterwards you feel so amazing! 

It’s quite traditional to go naked which we did. At the end after leaving the temezcal, we drank a butterfly pea herbal Tea out of coconut shells to rehydrate And sat by a fire. It was such a beautiful image. Women in the middle of the jungle, circled round the fire naked.  Something that would usually be seen as wrong, was an experience bringing us back to our roots as what I imagine cave women did. 

As you can imagine, these experiences in the serpent cycle/the body have created a really sacred sangha (community) and I can only imagine what this next cycle of the Jaguar/mind will teach me/unravel. Stay tuned!

Yoga Teacher Training (YTT) Cycle 1 Reflections: Power of Breath Work

 Intro: if you ask me how yoga teacher training is going, you’re gonna get a real answer (below is just an excerpt of the transformation that has already begun). But if you want the summary, the place is lovely with a lively frog chorus, a beautiful Guanacaste tree, a natural pool, and more butterflies than I’ve ever seen! The food is good, there’s only three students so it’s super intimate and they’re all lovely women (1 German, the other student and teachers from the US). 

And yes we are still practicing asana (the part of yoga most westerners call yoga) and learning how to teach a class. We’re also meditating, chanting, singing, breathing, journaling, practicing silence, and learning so so Much. I am so grateful for this experience and it’s only 25% complete! 

A major shoutout to School of Yoga Institute for letting me join so late after Peru fell through, giving me a generous scholarship, and still going ahead with the training despite the small class size and probably a financial loss. Also if you’re ever on the island of Ometepe check out Wanderlust Utopia for your stay!

And now for a deeper, longer answer. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’m seeing more types and amounts of butterflies than I’ve ever seen before, in a place full of transformation.  Here’s one example.

…and I’ve been giving away my power for too long

So I’m taking it back back back

‘Cuz it’s mine

We’ve done a lot of singing and this line of a song we sing has summed up the first cycle of the training where we studied the serpent of the Peruvian medicine wheel and shedding what no longer serves us. I realized both based on my upbringing and societal condition I’ve become a perpetual people pleaser and been afraid to ask for what I need or not known how to ask it for fear of rejection. One of the most powerful questions I’ve learned through therapy Is “what do you need”? Imagine if this was the default response to any human, especially children. As Brene Brown has taught me, we have to know how to identify our emotions in order to process them. The average human knows only THREE: angry, sad, and happy. No wonder there’s so much anger and hurt in the world, that’s ⅔ of the emotions we on average know! 

This cycle was about processing a lot of emotions, especially stuck ones. As women we’re taught not to feel, or at least not to be too sensitive or need to be consoled if we are upset,  or someone tries to fix whatever is bothering us rather than allowing us to feel. This cycle was all about letting it all go and feeeeeelliiiiinnnngggg.

The most impactful part was done through  something called holotropic breath work. The incredible thing is all you do is breathe, and on the exhale you make a sound, whatever comes out, sometimes this can be a sigh, other times it can be a yell or even a scream. Whatever your body needs. The amazing thing is you’re encouraged to keep going no matter how loud/intense the emotions. Your body may do all sorts of things and will almost definitely clamp up and tingle. Mine shivered, got really hot, convulsed, chattered, coughed, cried, gagged. It was a whole new level of embodying emotions. It might have been the only time in my life outside therapy where I was encouraged to feel! No consoling, no asking what was wrong, no problem solving.

Afterwards, my body was so heavy I didn’t feel I could even move it. My mind was absent and I’m not sure I’ve ever been so present in a savasana! I saw shapes, rainbow colors and most amazingly and importantly experiences  I never thought I could forgive, that had been buried in my body for the past 15 years were forgiven. I even had empathy and mercy for the other parties responsible and the wounded souls they had to possess to do such horrific things. 

My personal challenge is for all of you to try breathwork. I had done it before but it was nothing like this. Every time Is different and it’s important to not have any expectations. The beautiful thing is you can’t do it wrong since all it is is breathing. Having a spaceholder was key though as she did come around and help us through the intensity and/or helped ground us. I’m not sure I would do this on my own! Doing it as a group also created a sense of safety Because you heard other women feel so you knew you a) weren’t alone and b) weren’t the only one releasing crazy noises! 

I guarantee we all have at least one if not a full list of feelings/memories/traumas/Samskaras (conditioning that has distorted us from our true selves) that we need to work out of the body! It’s worked w ptsd victims and I guarantee it’ll have an impact on you!