Letting Go

 Today's post comes in the form of a short poem-the first time I've written a poem in a longggg time that couldn't more accurately encapsulate my feelings: 

We were beginning to wade out fully into the water 

The sediment had settled 

The waves were calm so that the cold touch of the water lapping at my skin had subsided 

A colorful lit swim bag trail guiding our path 

Illuminating each possibility and constraint

The water reflecting the bright moonlight.

But just as I began to take a foot off the ground to begin swimming out into the abyss

The sediment was stirred again

Sand debris everywhere, 

the calm surface now agitated with waves returning,

the cold water piercing my tender skin once again

Ejecting me back towards shore,

Realizing for the final time I would never be able to get used to the calm water. 

And yet through this, I realized a reminder of why I have the tattoo I do. That I'm not giving away my power anymore.

Nature always has something to teach us. Trees have a cycle that I have resisted..they bud, they grow, and then they let go, something I have resisted adamantly. I have always admired the beauty that is fall taking trips just to see the leaves. But somehow this year is the first time I have thought the mimicry of the trees annual natural shedding applied to me. I persistently and consistently tried to hold on, even to the leaves that need to fall, It's probably no coincidence I don't do well rappelling-I don't let go. I tweak, I problem solve, I overanalyze, I hold on for literally dear life, even though I have a harness on and safe ground below. It's only when I've exhausted every option and realize there is literally no other way down, will I, with an expert rappeller at my side, pry my hands from the rocks, and climb back down. This is because most of life, I usually become successful at building the bridge, needed to continue, even if it's in a different form (or in this case finding some type of alternative path down). 

Yet if we look at deciduous trees, they are the most beautiful when they are shedding their leaves, the things that no longer serve them now on the ground. It is this season when they turn to their deepest hues of color. Not when they're budding, not when they're fully in bloom, when they're letting go. And they do it so easefully, not worried about what will happen. They know it's the only way, that new buds will bloom that will help them grow. So this time, instead of picking up the leaves that have left, grasping desperately to hold onto them, I am allowing myself to lean back into the harness and walk down the wall. To let the inconsistent, confusing-as-hell, not-worthy-of-my-time leaves shed and bask in the satisfying crunch of the leaves beneath my feet, looking up at the glowing colors on the tree, the tree that is me. 

To be love

"The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion, the ultimate success of life." ~Dalai Llama

It sounds so simple, but I had a revelation-what if the true meaning of life is to be/become love? Of course, love has many contexts and definitions, so I'll go with the broadest, simplest definition I've seen: a belief in inherent goodness. When I asked this to a few friends, they all asked "to be love or loved"? "Love," I respond. Our society wants us to think "loved" because then it can sell us things to tell us how we must look to be loved, what materials we need to be loved, what we must do to be loved (people pleasing anyone?). But truly think for a moment, what is it to be love? Not to feel it, or think about it, or try to pursue it, but truly become it. Something we can't check off our to-do list as it can never be mastered. But then life's meaning emerges moment by moment; it is an approach to life, rather than a state of attainment. A choice we make every day, to recommit to, and that might be simple, but certainly is not easy. Hence why the great philosophical leaders e.g. Jesus, Socrates, Dalai Llama, to name a few preached this, but still hundreds of years later, we have not realized their teachings.

If you know me, you'll know historically I've been an incredibly achievement-oriented person who is constantly trying to think "what's next?" These past three years (post resigning as ED from CMC) have been humbling, aka incredibly challenging, not knowing that answer. I thought I was going to move across both coasts of the country for jobs, had found a life partner, and would go on two international trips this year that didn't happen due to circumstances outside my control. Life continues to demonstrate, you can't plan it, and anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves. I still don't know the answer to that question, But if I ascertain that the purpose of life is being love, then "what's next" becomes an irrelevant question. To be love doesn't answer what's my next career step, if I will find my life partner, or where will I be in five years. But it does answer what to focus on (anything that brings love to me/others) and that is what matters in life. It gives a new meaning of what type of knowledge to focus on too-anything that teaches/shows me how to love better, truer, deeper. 

Love won't get one rich, or thin, or go through life unscathed, but it will bring joy and if we love at our best, our lives take on as much meaning as possible. Without love, even through the pain, challenges, and loss, life isn't worth living for. Love is being fully human-connecting with others through the tears, the laughs, the strife, all of it. And so here's my challenge, a new way of viewing achievement. Instead of thinking "what's next," I am trying to think of "what's love?" 

This revelation was further inspired by what I read in these two articles:  

https://uplift.love/dalai-lama-what-is-the-purpose-of-life/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fully-human/201809/how-love-brings-meaning-to-life

Lessons I've Learned in Relationships

 I haven't written in so long so here I am writing-something I always long to do more of and then I let life get in the way. I'm also practicing living from the heart and with that comes being more vulnerable so here goes. I try to view every life experience, certainly including relationships as a learning experience and with that comes lessons if you let it be a growth experience. That is what I choose to focus on amidst the hurt rather than trying to understand what it was/wasn't. I'm at the end of a very intense short-term relationship and hoping some of my learnings can be helpful to others. I'm realizing the importance of letting go, of endings, and feeling those endings. Sometimes transitions/evolutions aren't the answer. Grief is not a fun feeling to feel, but it's an important one and one I have minimized or denied altogether in the past. This time around I'm actually letting myself feel and in the process coming to some pretty important revelations. 

1. You can't fix everything. If someone has decided you're not compatible (or for whatever reason no longer wants to be with you), grand gestures don't matter. You can offer repair, apology, or understanding but if another person is convinced it's not gonna work, let them go. My anxious brain has a very hard time with this one and I even went so far as to write "sorry" in green peppers on a pizza and write a heartfelt card thinking I could repair it. Turns out it doesn't change the outcome. If someone wants to be with you, they will. And vice versa.

2. Actions speak louder than words or as one of my loved ones says "talk is cheap." I used to think this was cynical, but recently I've learned it's real. I've never been wooed in my entire life before now (usually I'm the pursuer)  and y'all it feels REALLY good...Dopamine is real and being told sweet nothings and shown nothing but kindness and utmost care feels amazing...until you realize that's all it was. Empty words caught up in the potential of what he wanted it to be (or maybe it could have been) rather than seeing and celebrating me for who I am in reality. A hard lesson but unless someone has made a commitment, words are just that. Another hard lesson: people change their minds. Relationships ebb and flow and just because someone said something a month ago doesn't mean that can't change. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong; you simply see things differently/have different personalities. 

3. And then when someone changes their mind and you feel discarded...it hurts even more because they didn't just treat you normally but like the most amazing thing so when they decide it's over abruptly...it really sucks. No matter how short it was. Time doesn't measure intensity or depth. When something feels too good to be true, it probably (unfortunately) is. Which leads back to #1 and the cycle of clamoring on, trying to salvage the relationship because you want so desperately to keep feeling #2. 

4. Secure love on the other hand feels different; good, but not in a dopamine kind of way (aka healthy!). It doesn't provoke anxiety (or emotional rollercoasters). Discomfort isn't ignored but acknowledged. You can talk through things and actually tell each other how your heart is and know the other person will hold you as you cry through life's challenges and celebrate alongside you through life's joys. You can talk about the future acknowledging any hesitations. Validation and feeling heard are commonplace and needs are requested (and usually met). It's a lot less dopamine, but it's real and although new, certainly preferred. 

5. There is no harm in going slowly, especially if you have hesitations. Dopamine can override this (it certainly did for me!) but everyone needs time away from the relationship to assess how it's going and more importantly make sure you continue to be you outside the relationship. If you want to put up certain boundaries (time, body, space, etc.), do so and don't treat them as optional (I am still telling myself this one!). You matter. Your partner matters. Your sleep matters. And if your love is going to last, it can endure boundaries (and will probably be better off for it!). 

Please comment if this resonated and/or helped you!