I haven't written in so long so here I am writing-something I always long to do more of and then I let life get in the way. I'm also practicing living from the heart and with that comes being more vulnerable so here goes. I try to view every life experience, certainly including relationships as a learning experience and with that comes lessons if you let it be a growth experience. That is what I choose to focus on amidst the hurt rather than trying to understand what it was/wasn't. I'm at the end of a very intense short-term relationship and hoping some of my learnings can be helpful to others. I'm realizing the importance of letting go, of endings, and feeling those endings. Sometimes transitions/evolutions aren't the answer. Grief is not a fun feeling to feel, but it's an important one and one I have minimized or denied altogether in the past. This time around I'm actually letting myself feel and in the process coming to some pretty important revelations.
1. You can't fix everything. If someone has decided you're not compatible (or for whatever reason no longer wants to be with you), grand gestures don't matter. You can offer repair, apology, or understanding but if another person is convinced it's not gonna work, let them go. My anxious brain has a very hard time with this one and I even went so far as to write "sorry" in green peppers on a pizza and write a heartfelt card thinking I could repair it. Turns out it doesn't change the outcome. If someone wants to be with you, they will. And vice versa.
2. Actions speak louder than words or as one of my loved ones says "talk is cheap." I used to think this was cynical, but recently I've learned it's real. I've never been wooed in my entire life before now (usually I'm the pursuer) and y'all it feels REALLY good...Dopamine is real and being told sweet nothings and shown nothing but kindness and utmost care feels amazing...until you realize that's all it was. Empty words caught up in the potential of what he wanted it to be (or maybe it could have been) rather than seeing and celebrating me for who I am in reality. A hard lesson but unless someone has made a commitment, words are just that. Another hard lesson: people change their minds. Relationships ebb and flow and just because someone said something a month ago doesn't mean that can't change. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong; you simply see things differently/have different personalities.
3. And then when someone changes their mind and you feel discarded...it hurts even more because they didn't just treat you normally but like the most amazing thing so when they decide it's over abruptly...it really sucks. No matter how short it was. Time doesn't measure intensity or depth. When something feels too good to be true, it probably (unfortunately) is. Which leads back to #1 and the cycle of clamoring on, trying to salvage the relationship because you want so desperately to keep feeling #2.
4. Secure love on the other hand feels different; good, but not in a dopamine kind of way (aka healthy!). It doesn't provoke anxiety (or emotional rollercoasters). Discomfort isn't ignored but acknowledged. You can talk through things and actually tell each other how your heart is and know the other person will hold you as you cry through life's challenges and celebrate alongside you through life's joys. You can talk about the future acknowledging any hesitations. Validation and feeling heard are commonplace and needs are requested (and usually met). It's a lot less dopamine, but it's real and although new, certainly preferred.
5. There is no harm in going slowly, especially if you have hesitations. Dopamine can override this (it certainly did for me!) but everyone needs time away from the relationship to assess how it's going and more importantly make sure you continue to be you outside the relationship. If you want to put up certain boundaries (time, body, space, etc.), do so and don't treat them as optional (I am still telling myself this one!). You matter. Your partner matters. Your sleep matters. And if your love is going to last, it can endure boundaries (and will probably be better off for it!).
Please comment if this resonated and/or helped you!
