My Word for 2025: Coddiwomple

If you know me at all, you often know I say you can't plan life, so what's the point of trying? But when I saw this word cross my path (coddiwomple is defined succinctly as traveling purposefully to an unknown destination), I realized there was a dialectic (a "yes and"). You can't plan life AND you can still be intentional/own where you are on the path, even if it's not where you thought you'd be. For awhile, I was convinced I was "in transition," to my next chapter; to finally utilize my Master's degree to work in international development, to be a senior leadership figure at a larger international organization, to do "bigger" and "better." And yet, after two cross-country final interviews demonstrating Minneapolis was home and several other local, well-aligned opportunities never coming to fruition, I realized I have a choice: I can continue to resist where I am at, continuing to pursue that "next thing," or I can fully own where I am at, accepting it's not where I thought I would be, but that I am, and have been in, my next chapter for almost 3.5 years, and decide how to align it with my Truth. 

It is this choice that has prompted me to begin another business (did I tell you, you can't plan life?!). I honest-to-Goddess never had plans to start another business. But in a yoga class today, we were doing an innovative transition and it caused us to go off our mats. We all instinctually wanted to readjust to go back on the mat, but we were instructed not to and it was then that I heard the lesson I needed to hear: "Sometimes, going out of the box is what we need to do to align with our Truth. It's fear/discomfort that holds us back." It resonated to my core and I've realized how much I have held back to stay in the box-something that isn't exactly in my personality (or my Aries nature! ;p) Maybe it resonates with you too?

One of my biggest goals this year is to own my life-to embrace my life just as it is and create goals and make choices from that context, not from where society, others, or even myself thinks I "should" be. I've removed "should" from my vocabulary close to a decade ago, but I've still been hiding and not truly embracing my life. Not "shoulding" myself, but not taking up space either. This is the year that changes, even if it's uncomfortable, for I know when I lean into my most authentic self is when I am the best version of myself. Here's to a year of ownership, love and trust! 

What is your word for the year?

Happy New Year!

Letting Go

 Today's post comes in the form of a short poem-the first time I've written a poem in a longggg time that couldn't more accurately encapsulate my feelings: 

We were beginning to wade out fully into the water 

The sediment had settled 

The waves were calm so that the cold touch of the water lapping at my skin had subsided 

A colorful lit swim bag trail guiding our path 

Illuminating each possibility and constraint

The water reflecting the bright moonlight.

But just as I began to take a foot off the ground to begin swimming out into the abyss

The sediment was stirred again

Sand debris everywhere, 

the calm surface now agitated with waves returning,

the cold water piercing my tender skin once again

Ejecting me back towards shore,

Realizing for the final time I would never be able to get used to the calm water. 

And yet through this, I realized a reminder of why I have the tattoo I do. That I'm not giving away my power anymore.

Nature always has something to teach us. Trees have a cycle that I have resisted..they bud, they grow, and then they let go, something I have resisted adamantly. I have always admired the beauty that is fall taking trips just to see the leaves. But somehow this year is the first time I have thought the mimicry of the trees annual natural shedding applied to me. I persistently and consistently tried to hold on, even to the leaves that need to fall, It's probably no coincidence I don't do well rappelling-I don't let go. I tweak, I problem solve, I overanalyze, I hold on for literally dear life, even though I have a harness on and safe ground below. It's only when I've exhausted every option and realize there is literally no other way down, will I, with an expert rappeller at my side, pry my hands from the rocks, and climb back down. This is because most of life, I usually become successful at building the bridge, needed to continue, even if it's in a different form (or in this case finding some type of alternative path down). 

Yet if we look at deciduous trees, they are the most beautiful when they are shedding their leaves, the things that no longer serve them now on the ground. It is this season when they turn to their deepest hues of color. Not when they're budding, not when they're fully in bloom, when they're letting go. And they do it so easefully, not worried about what will happen. They know it's the only way, that new buds will bloom that will help them grow. So this time, instead of picking up the leaves that have left, grasping desperately to hold onto them, I am allowing myself to lean back into the harness and walk down the wall. To let the inconsistent, confusing-as-hell, not-worthy-of-my-time leaves shed and bask in the satisfying crunch of the leaves beneath my feet, looking up at the glowing colors on the tree, the tree that is me. 

To be love

"The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion, the ultimate success of life." ~Dalai Llama

It sounds so simple, but I had a revelation-what if the true meaning of life is to be/become love? Of course, love has many contexts and definitions, so I'll go with the broadest, simplest definition I've seen: a belief in inherent goodness. When I asked this to a few friends, they all asked "to be love or loved"? "Love," I respond. Our society wants us to think "loved" because then it can sell us things to tell us how we must look to be loved, what materials we need to be loved, what we must do to be loved (people pleasing anyone?). But truly think for a moment, what is it to be love? Not to feel it, or think about it, or try to pursue it, but truly become it. Something we can't check off our to-do list as it can never be mastered. But then life's meaning emerges moment by moment; it is an approach to life, rather than a state of attainment. A choice we make every day, to recommit to, and that might be simple, but certainly is not easy. Hence why the great philosophical leaders e.g. Jesus, Socrates, Dalai Llama, to name a few preached this, but still hundreds of years later, we have not realized their teachings.

If you know me, you'll know historically I've been an incredibly achievement-oriented person who is constantly trying to think "what's next?" These past three years (post resigning as ED from CMC) have been humbling, aka incredibly challenging, not knowing that answer. I thought I was going to move across both coasts of the country for jobs, had found a life partner, and would go on two international trips this year that didn't happen due to circumstances outside my control. Life continues to demonstrate, you can't plan it, and anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves. I still don't know the answer to that question, But if I ascertain that the purpose of life is being love, then "what's next" becomes an irrelevant question. To be love doesn't answer what's my next career step, if I will find my life partner, or where will I be in five years. But it does answer what to focus on (anything that brings love to me/others) and that is what matters in life. It gives a new meaning of what type of knowledge to focus on too-anything that teaches/shows me how to love better, truer, deeper. 

Love won't get one rich, or thin, or go through life unscathed, but it will bring joy and if we love at our best, our lives take on as much meaning as possible. Without love, even through the pain, challenges, and loss, life isn't worth living for. Love is being fully human-connecting with others through the tears, the laughs, the strife, all of it. And so here's my challenge, a new way of viewing achievement. Instead of thinking "what's next," I am trying to think of "what's love?" 

This revelation was further inspired by what I read in these two articles:  

https://uplift.love/dalai-lama-what-is-the-purpose-of-life/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fully-human/201809/how-love-brings-meaning-to-life

Lessons I've Learned in Relationships

 I haven't written in so long so here I am writing-something I always long to do more of and then I let life get in the way. I'm also practicing living from the heart and with that comes being more vulnerable so here goes. I try to view every life experience, certainly including relationships as a learning experience and with that comes lessons if you let it be a growth experience. That is what I choose to focus on amidst the hurt rather than trying to understand what it was/wasn't. I'm at the end of a very intense short-term relationship and hoping some of my learnings can be helpful to others. I'm realizing the importance of letting go, of endings, and feeling those endings. Sometimes transitions/evolutions aren't the answer. Grief is not a fun feeling to feel, but it's an important one and one I have minimized or denied altogether in the past. This time around I'm actually letting myself feel and in the process coming to some pretty important revelations. 

1. You can't fix everything. If someone has decided you're not compatible (or for whatever reason no longer wants to be with you), grand gestures don't matter. You can offer repair, apology, or understanding but if another person is convinced it's not gonna work, let them go. My anxious brain has a very hard time with this one and I even went so far as to write "sorry" in green peppers on a pizza and write a heartfelt card thinking I could repair it. Turns out it doesn't change the outcome. If someone wants to be with you, they will. And vice versa.

2. Actions speak louder than words or as one of my loved ones says "talk is cheap." I used to think this was cynical, but recently I've learned it's real. I've never been wooed in my entire life before now (usually I'm the pursuer)  and y'all it feels REALLY good...Dopamine is real and being told sweet nothings and shown nothing but kindness and utmost care feels amazing...until you realize that's all it was. Empty words caught up in the potential of what he wanted it to be (or maybe it could have been) rather than seeing and celebrating me for who I am in reality. A hard lesson but unless someone has made a commitment, words are just that. Another hard lesson: people change their minds. Relationships ebb and flow and just because someone said something a month ago doesn't mean that can't change. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong; you simply see things differently/have different personalities. 

3. And then when someone changes their mind and you feel discarded...it hurts even more because they didn't just treat you normally but like the most amazing thing so when they decide it's over abruptly...it really sucks. No matter how short it was. Time doesn't measure intensity or depth. When something feels too good to be true, it probably (unfortunately) is. Which leads back to #1 and the cycle of clamoring on, trying to salvage the relationship because you want so desperately to keep feeling #2. 

4. Secure love on the other hand feels different; good, but not in a dopamine kind of way (aka healthy!). It doesn't provoke anxiety (or emotional rollercoasters). Discomfort isn't ignored but acknowledged. You can talk through things and actually tell each other how your heart is and know the other person will hold you as you cry through life's challenges and celebrate alongside you through life's joys. You can talk about the future acknowledging any hesitations. Validation and feeling heard are commonplace and needs are requested (and usually met). It's a lot less dopamine, but it's real and although new, certainly preferred. 

5. There is no harm in going slowly, especially if you have hesitations. Dopamine can override this (it certainly did for me!) but everyone needs time away from the relationship to assess how it's going and more importantly make sure you continue to be you outside the relationship. If you want to put up certain boundaries (time, body, space, etc.), do so and don't treat them as optional (I am still telling myself this one!). You matter. Your partner matters. Your sleep matters. And if your love is going to last, it can endure boundaries (and will probably be better off for it!). 

Please comment if this resonated and/or helped you!

Jaguar/Hummingbird: The Post-Honeymoon Phase

 Yoga teacher training was transformational, but that doesn't mean every day was cats and rainbows. I felt resistance in my body, mind, and even spirit. Crying daily, being attacked by miniscule no-see-um bugs (I never thought I'd wish for mosquitoes!), having physical reactions: upset stomach, body aching, fatigue, a craving for creature comforts (my first time ever!), and a large desire to just be home in my comfort zone. Our teachers warned us this would be transformational, and usually before transformation comes discomfort, but I had no idea what that would actually mean as someone who usually prides herself on being adaptable to any situation. 

The stage of Jaguar was all about entering the mind and confronting the shadow self and even when you've done a lot of work on yourself, it turns out that's just one layer. I embodied traumas I haven't thought about in decades, but there they were staring me in the face and viscerally causing my body to react. Breathwork this time involved upchucking and a level of tingles I didn't know possible. Breath is power! Even though I had confronted these traumas on a mental level in therapy and started a new identity without these traumas, I didn't realize that on a physical level, they were still trapped in my body. That night, the power of my breath expelled them from the depths of my core at last, hidden there for far too long. Breath said "I am worthy to take up space. I am worthy to feel. I matter." I started to growl. I started to feel. And that night, I vowed I wasn't going to accept less than that. And even though I've mentally known this a long time, my body needed to embody it. It needed to feel. My voice matters. All of ours do. F*&! anyone who says differently, society will, but society isn't me.

I've known for awhile I'm a people pleaser, but now I've moved into a stage of recovery: I'm a recovering people pleaser. My feelings are valid even if they don't match someone else's, be that partner, family, colleague, or friend. Trying to fit into the classical musician box certainly was one cause of this condition; I had to to survive with "juries" and "Judges" in order to pass. But now, rather than singing music to prove myself as a musician or receive a good grade or add something to my singer resume, I choose what I participate in. I only sing music that is life-giving in a community that is life-giving. As part of work last week, we did a retreat for a client and I heard the term "deload language." We have to break down the language that is being used and explain what is happening. YES! I've needed external validation for too long. Without it, I felt psychologically unsafe- I needed to justify, needed to rationalize, needed to be coaxed, needed to fix. But in this Jaguar phase, I had the opportunity to simply be. 

It wasn't easy. It was emotional. It was scary. It was definitely NOT enjoyable. It was lonely without someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright. My teacher said "this is when we get to learn to hold ourselves" and that was POWERFUL! A few mornings later, I had drawn the card of water so I decided to go down to the water for my walking meditation. Water taught me an important lesson that morning She said my waves can lap at your feet and cuddle you too. Nature can cuddle/hold us too in a way humans can't. We can give back what doesn't serve us to the Earth, be cleansed anew by water, burn away what doesn't serve us or reignite our passion, and breathe in new life with air in every moment. Until that moment, I've relied so much on another human to tell me it was going to be okay. That day I began to realize I don't need that external validation; I had everything I needed within. 

YTT reflections 2: Temezcal

 The temezcal is a traditional sweat lodge ceremony that represents the womb of Mother Earth found throughout Central America. Essentially it’s a circular dome made from Earth heated by steam from the coals in the middle that you sit around naked. The idea is Mother Earth is holding you, such a beautiful image. Each round of stones honors a different element. they add more coals and then add water to them, making it hotter with each puerta (literally door since Adding stones is the only time the door is open) and it is all done in ceremony with prayers, blessings, and songs. 

I’m working on a song about the experience but suffice it to say that I’ve never sweat so much or been so hot in my entire life and I’ve done two of these before! But afterwards you feel so amazing! 

It’s quite traditional to go naked which we did. At the end after leaving the temezcal, we drank a butterfly pea herbal Tea out of coconut shells to rehydrate And sat by a fire. It was such a beautiful image. Women in the middle of the jungle, circled round the fire naked.  Something that would usually be seen as wrong, was an experience bringing us back to our roots as what I imagine cave women did. 

As you can imagine, these experiences in the serpent cycle/the body have created a really sacred sangha (community) and I can only imagine what this next cycle of the Jaguar/mind will teach me/unravel. Stay tuned!

Yoga Teacher Training (YTT) Cycle 1 Reflections: Power of Breath Work

 Intro: if you ask me how yoga teacher training is going, you’re gonna get a real answer (below is just an excerpt of the transformation that has already begun). But if you want the summary, the place is lovely with a lively frog chorus, a beautiful Guanacaste tree, a natural pool, and more butterflies than I’ve ever seen! The food is good, there’s only three students so it’s super intimate and they’re all lovely women (1 German, the other student and teachers from the US). 

And yes we are still practicing asana (the part of yoga most westerners call yoga) and learning how to teach a class. We’re also meditating, chanting, singing, breathing, journaling, practicing silence, and learning so so Much. I am so grateful for this experience and it’s only 25% complete! 

A major shoutout to School of Yoga Institute for letting me join so late after Peru fell through, giving me a generous scholarship, and still going ahead with the training despite the small class size and probably a financial loss. Also if you’re ever on the island of Ometepe check out Wanderlust Utopia for your stay!

And now for a deeper, longer answer. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’m seeing more types and amounts of butterflies than I’ve ever seen before, in a place full of transformation.  Here’s one example.

…and I’ve been giving away my power for too long

So I’m taking it back back back

‘Cuz it’s mine

We’ve done a lot of singing and this line of a song we sing has summed up the first cycle of the training where we studied the serpent of the Peruvian medicine wheel and shedding what no longer serves us. I realized both based on my upbringing and societal condition I’ve become a perpetual people pleaser and been afraid to ask for what I need or not known how to ask it for fear of rejection. One of the most powerful questions I’ve learned through therapy Is “what do you need”? Imagine if this was the default response to any human, especially children. As Brene Brown has taught me, we have to know how to identify our emotions in order to process them. The average human knows only THREE: angry, sad, and happy. No wonder there’s so much anger and hurt in the world, that’s ⅔ of the emotions we on average know! 

This cycle was about processing a lot of emotions, especially stuck ones. As women we’re taught not to feel, or at least not to be too sensitive or need to be consoled if we are upset,  or someone tries to fix whatever is bothering us rather than allowing us to feel. This cycle was all about letting it all go and feeeeeelliiiiinnnngggg.

The most impactful part was done through  something called holotropic breath work. The incredible thing is all you do is breathe, and on the exhale you make a sound, whatever comes out, sometimes this can be a sigh, other times it can be a yell or even a scream. Whatever your body needs. The amazing thing is you’re encouraged to keep going no matter how loud/intense the emotions. Your body may do all sorts of things and will almost definitely clamp up and tingle. Mine shivered, got really hot, convulsed, chattered, coughed, cried, gagged. It was a whole new level of embodying emotions. It might have been the only time in my life outside therapy where I was encouraged to feel! No consoling, no asking what was wrong, no problem solving.

Afterwards, my body was so heavy I didn’t feel I could even move it. My mind was absent and I’m not sure I’ve ever been so present in a savasana! I saw shapes, rainbow colors and most amazingly and importantly experiences  I never thought I could forgive, that had been buried in my body for the past 15 years were forgiven. I even had empathy and mercy for the other parties responsible and the wounded souls they had to possess to do such horrific things. 

My personal challenge is for all of you to try breathwork. I had done it before but it was nothing like this. Every time Is different and it’s important to not have any expectations. The beautiful thing is you can’t do it wrong since all it is is breathing. Having a spaceholder was key though as she did come around and help us through the intensity and/or helped ground us. I’m not sure I would do this on my own! Doing it as a group also created a sense of safety Because you heard other women feel so you knew you a) weren’t alone and b) weren’t the only one releasing crazy noises! 

I guarantee we all have at least one if not a full list of feelings/memories/traumas/Samskaras (conditioning that has distorted us from our true selves) that we need to work out of the body! It’s worked w ptsd victims and I guarantee it’ll have an impact on you!

Rejection is Redirection

 One of my resolutions for 2021 was to start writing publicly again. I've probably had a more consistent journal practice this past year than ever before but now my challenge is to share feelings publicly. As many of you now know, I didn't get the Fulbright to Spain and learned this the same day I made a public announcement about my departure from ComMUSICation the end of this school year. But when my friend told me "rejection is redirection," these words have really stuck with me. Probably because rejection has been such a common feeling as a musician, a non-societal-typical girl, and a non-married-in-her-30s woman in general. But as I look back on some of the biggest rejections, I remember how it was a redirection. Read on if you want to hear my story. Feel free to comment with your biggest redirections!

The first professional redirection I remember was in college when I was diagnosed with tendonitis. Try as I might, my piano teacher saw right through my schemes and told me he couldn't teach me if he was causing me pain. One of the humblest moments to this day was being in a beginner piano studio relearning how to play as a senior in college, but ya know what? I kept at it and a year later played a very advanced piece (Beethoven's Violin Sonata) pain-free. 

Had it not been for that redirection, I may not have ever found my love for teaching and been able to do it without demonstrating. Starting as a college freshman, I had started a small business of accompanying/teaching piano, Z's Keys. As accompanying dwindled in possibilities of what I could physically play, I took on more teaching. Of course it was better than frying chicken fingers at the college cafe, but more so I actually loved it. I loved seeing my students' progress, and realized, even without playing to demonstrate as my previous teachers had done, that I was a good teacher. Unfortunately, the music ed advisor was horrible at the time so I had been turned off from pursuing that route (still the only W on my transcript!), nor did I ever want to be a classroom teacher. But that redirection was the reason that made me qualified to teach in Tanzania and eventually brought me into Sistema classrooms across the world. All of a sudden my physical limitation didn't matter because it wasn't about me, it was about me empowering others to discover their creative outlet/potential, and that was FAR more rewarding than playing for hours in a practice room ever was to me. As an extrovert, I struggled to practice for hours/day so this was actually a win-win solution! 

My second memorable rejection was when my vocal audition for the "top" choir at our college (I'll refrain from names, but it depends who you ask at the time) bombed. My high range was shot and I was a senior so I knew that was my last chance! That rejection allowed me to study abroad and be in a choir where all voice colors were welcome, and that's what my soul needed. Not to be in a "perfect" choir, but to be in a community making excellent music-and that's what I did! I still despise auditions, afraid my name won't make a list, (it's happened many times) but I've also learned when I don't make it, I find other ways to make meaningful music in community and now am part of several auditioned choirs and project-based choir whose values align with me far more than any professional gig every could! I choose to make music, not to make a living, but to express myself and deliver a message to the world with an amazing community of like-minded people: singing at La Frontera (the border) in Tijuana/San Diego, making new songs with a trans-immigrant population in Tijuana, laughing until my stomach hurts IN REHEARSAL (not too many professional-sounding choirs can say that!), learning non-romance languages about women, these are the reasons I sing. These have certainly pushed me outside the comfortable box and also helped me realize the ways I CAN contribute to an ensemble, rather than focusing on those I struggle with. It's helped me find my musician identity rather than thinking I'm not a musician because I don't check x box. Going from a first soprano to a first/second alto was an identity shift to say the least, but I'm not sad about it one bit! I finally feel like I'm using my voice (previously deemed too chesty/manly) and singing is easy rather than a prescribed, cultivated voice that was brittle at best as a soprano after college.

Big statement I'm shifting toward: If someone doesn't want me and my whole self, mistakes and limitations included, I no longer want to make music with them. For that matter, if someone doesn't want me and my whole self for anything, I no longer want to invest in those relationships. I've been such a people pleaser to belong, to achieve, to prove I am worthy, and I no longer need that. 

This new chapter isn't about achievements or names for a resume or anything externally pleasing, it's about redirection that is internally pleasing and honors my whole self, wellness at the top of that list. I am a hard worker, anyone who knows me will tell you that, but so often I have sacrificed work for a healthy meal, a rest, a dance class, a walk on a beautiful day, a jog with a friend, things that fill me up. You can't do hard work if you don't fill yourself up consistently. So I'm putting in the rocks of wellness/joy first and then filling up the metaphorical jar with the sand of working hard, rather than vice versa that I've been doing for so long. 

Quarantined in MN/Sri Lanka Top 10

No, I'm not on some exotic adventure now. I'm stuck at home in Minneapolis, Minnesota during COVID-19 outbreak practicing my #socialdistancing and debating how to have a #virtualbirthdayparty. And while it sucks that life isn't normal and I'm not supposed to leave the house except for necessities, I've actually done quite a few things I haven't done in a long time: played guitar (I'm amazed how much I remember), done artwork, cooked real, full meals multiple days in a row, and talked to friends I haven't in awhile. I want to elaborate a little more on playing guitar because it was the first time in AT LEAST six years that I've picked up an instrument without any intention of rehearsing, performing, or having to be good. I played because it was healing, enjoyable, and needed at this time. Sadly, like most professionals in our field, music hasn't always been that to me and can be full of rejection, feeling not good enough, or downright exclusive. I'm finally able to separate the action of music-making from what we as humans, namely music professionals, have ascribed it to. It felt so good to use my musical ear to tune the guitar and then *ahem figure out the riff in Bieber's Love Myself rather than look it up. I even dropped out of a choral project yesterday because it wasn't giving me joy (I didn't like the music). I don't have to prove my musical worth anymore-I've found enough ensembles that do that without trying-shout out to Common Ground Voices La Frontera and See Change Treble Choir! And now every night at 7p I am trying to get as many people as possible to go out on their porches/front stoops and sing Lennon's "Imagine" to keep us all in a mood of hope, community, and hopefully our world can be as one soon enough!

And on that note, I'm now finally writing about my amazing two weeks in Sri Lanka! Huge thanks to #GLT, Lonely Planet, and many Travel blogs for all their recs!

I want to give a top 10 list for Sri Lanka for when this ends and you can travel (which will happen!) because Sri Lanka was an amazing country and not tourist-ridden-we didn't see one American!

1) Talk to locals-most of them speak at least broken English and aside from tuk tuk drivers won't treat you as a tourist. One of my favorite memories was asking my guesthouse mama to show me some Sri Lankan cooking. She showed me how to make coconut sambal and coconut roti, and yes that includes peeling the coconut with a machine dedicated to doing so! Curry leaves are key! Also almost every guesthouse we went to had an option of a cheap dinner/breakfast-say yes, food is amazing and street food isn't really a thing.

2) PickMe the app saved us driver fees and was far cheaper than Uber almost always. Beware of distances. 25 miles can take 2.5 hours because there is only one highway so if you're not on that route, you're going through villages etc. But so worth it to go see elephants in Pinnawala! Hotel Elephant Park you can wake up to elephants right outside your $40 hotel room balcony for an all-inclusive $5 breakfast buffet! Also there are no driving rules so I wouldn't recommend driving or getting out of the car on the right side (British driving on left side of road).

3) Buy your Kandy-Ella ticket early if you want a seat. You will get on the train, but could be standing. Granted, everyone was vying for the door anyway to take the legendary hanging off the train photo (see below). You won't go over Nine Arch Bridge unless you pass Ella so don't let photos fool you.

4) Ambulawa Temple-not on the tourist path, but not too far out of your way from Kandy to Nuware Eliya. Crazy Dr. Seuss looking temple with a winding staircase up to the stuppa. It is the first multi-faith centre in SL! You can take an overpriced tuk tuk to the top that will wait for you or you can hike up yourself. Your choice, but it is quite a hike!

5) Knuckles Mountains-I can't recommend Gamani from Sri Lanka Adventure Trekking enough. As he described himself, he's a senior guide, knew all the locals of the villages we passed through, knew a hidden lookout (so was the path to get there!), and showed us a natural spice garden so no need to stop at one of the many tourist traps when you're chewing cinnamon from the wild (and it tastes like a natural Hot Tamale)! Definitely recommend the SkyCamp stay and going through Corbett's Gap. Just ensure you have a bottle of Dettol and socks/shoes you don't care about because you WILL get leeches, yes plural, and if you don't get 'em right away they will suck right through your shoe/sock. So worth it though! Rice paddies, centennials, waterfalls, natural spring water, beautiful views, and lots of hiking through cloud forests.

6) There's A LOT of temples, which we personally were satisfied without trying. Some highlights: Dambulla Cave temples and Temple of the Sacred Tooth in Kandy-Go see the puja offering (offering) that happens 3 times a day. The other temple towns we skipped-it was hot, they were expensive, and after awhile they all feel the same.

7) A cheaper version of Sigiriya Rock is Pidirungala. A bit of off-path bouldering is required, but well worth the view of Sigiriya Rock and far fewer people. Don't listen to the 20 min timeframe. We were booking it up the stairs and it took 25 mins to get up and an hour total to take pics and descend. Also if your tuk tuk driver isn't there, he didn't run off with your stuff, probably just went up the road for tea time (speaking from real experience). Strongly recommend getting his (didn't see any lady tuk tuks) number so you can communicate if you have a change in plan.

8) Whatever you do, DON'T have a layover in Mumbai Airport. Yes, tickets are cheap from there, but just don't unless you want SEVEN security checks and no time to enjoy the layover. If you have a bag over 7 kg you have to check it and you'll have to leave the secure area which a) requires a visa b) requires a lot of security checks and c) once you re-enter the airport you can't go through security until 3 hours before your flight and you can't leave the airport. Just don't do it-trust me.

 9) Spoil yourself with an Ayurveda resort for a very cheap price. Jasmin Villa in Negombo was <$20 for a 75 min full body massage and pedicure! Beware of oil-they're generous to say the least!

10) I'm almost hesitant to say this last one, but we read Hirikiteya Beach was the perfect mix of nightlife and calm and no one was there (2018 Lonely Planet)-WRONG. When we went to check it out it was people everywhere-no spare room, full of hawkers and tourists everywhere. Meanwhile, a 20 min tuk tuk ride (~8 km) there was a beach full of paradise called Talalla where we found Onchillawa, a tent for $5 on the beach, greeted with fresh coconut water w/ reusable straws, turtle laying her eggs, no hawkers, and very few people outside the beach bar we were at, which had AMAZING sea food and only people at night who were all very cool. Don't expect much from the town, but what do you need anyway when you go on a beach vacation? Swings, beach chairs, umbrellas, ocean waves, and a long coastline-check. You do need to get cash before arrival because there are no ATMs, but Matara or Dikwella aren't far. Dikwella was another more local beach more in the city but still felt the remote feeling. Would've explored more had we had more time.

Bonus 11) If you do a safari at Wilpattu (way fewer people than Yala!), commit to a whole day. Everyone that saw a leopard (we did not) did a full day and saw them in the afternoon. But we saw some really cool birds, including a wild peacock mating dance with its full cloak! It's pretty rare to see a sloth bear as much as we wanted to see one.

Random things: Incense is everywhere, even in the market fish and the taxis!

See below for some pics (many more on Facebook!):

the famous Nine Arch Bridge in Ella

Homemade coconut roti we cooked!

Yes, that is the village road (note the droves of school children!

View of Talalla Beach from our tent, no more words needed

On the train to Ella!

Power of Labels

Until 2018, I called myself a jogger because I'm not fast, nor did I do long races. I ran for stress relief, for endorphins, and to socialize. But once I ran 10 miles in April, in 14 degrees, I decided I was due for an upgrade and proudly claimed the title. Labels have power. Some beneficial, some not at all. Runner is one of those powerful ones. One I only admired from afar, but have actually become! All of a sudden using that label I felt more legitimate and less like I had to justify jogging vs. running. !

Now four months later training for a half marathon, I can DEFINITELY claim it! I've heard it said before, but it's truly more a mental thing than anything! I'm training this time around with no music-previously the only way I can run and for race day I'll probably prepare a playlist just in case! But this time it's more about kinesthetic memory of my legs running and less about the beat they're running to and guess what? I am running lighter, faster, and more consistently than ever before! Even with ten days of not running AT ALL (granted I was schlepping canoes and paddling for some of that), I ran almost 7 yesterday with no issues and another 5 today. So I'm less anxious of the week before the race only hiking in Glacier-though the distances will be comparable! And I'm not sore. And I feel great!

I realized how many expectations I was putting on the label "runner." And just decided to stop doing that. It's no different than "musician," really. I get to define what these terms mean and as long as I do the activity I can use the label. Almost halfway into thirty and I can't think of a year where I feel freer (yay no school!), healthier, or more self-assured about an age where I am FINALLY embracing my whole self and not letting previous limits or preconceived notions of what a runner or musician is stop me. I'm done letting society tell me what I am/am not supposed to be doing, own, or have. I am living my life that IS what I am doing, have, and am. And it feels pretty excellent!

So here's to 2018-a year of being a runner and a musician. Thanks, thirty. You're pretty wise :)

Community Resulting From Singing from Birth?

People walking around, the city lit up at night, and not a dodgy neighborhood in the entire city. These were my observations of Georgia at 4 am. People always ask if I feel safe traveling alone and honestly most of the time I feel safer wherever I am than home. Statistically, Georgia is one of the seven safest countries in the world-no crime, no slums, only the occasional peddler or homeless person sleeping harmlessly.
I have no data to support this but I'd like to posit the following: could it be the neurological effects of singing, bonding together as a community, have resulted, at least in part, in such a safe place? It may seem a stretch but according to Berkeley researchers, health researchers, and Oxford researchers (to name a few!), they have shown singing synchronizes heart beats, that it produces oxytocin-the same hormone that bonds a mother to a child or released during sex between two partners, and dopamine-the hormone that gives us pleasure and happiness. It bonds people together-as a community-and research shows that nothing brings people closer together than singing! Why it's such a powerful tool for us development practitioners! Could it be Georgians feel an obligation to be kind toward one another, to follow the Golden Rule, because it's a fellow human that they've sung with? Is it perhaps so safe because of their singing?

Repeatedly, during the conference, Georgians explained how fascinated they were by us doing music for social goals (the simplest definition of community music) and how they could bring that idea to Georgia. How they could develop curriculum, have social outcomes, etc. While this is all fine and dandy, I'd like to question if Georgians actually are the ones being more proactive? That singing for the sake of singing has resulted in not needing community music programs because of its natural ability to unite, to strengthen, to build camaraderie? What social outcome would they want to achieve? Most of the outcomes our programs achieve have already been achieved in Georgia. We want to keep kids off the streets, we want to lower x rate, we want to bring different communities together, already done in Georgia!

Georgians break into song without taking pitch, ever. They just sing three part harmonies in tune. After seeing elementary-aged youth do this, despite being the only one on a part, or being one on a part against 19 others on another (stay tuned for video!),  I asked them, how do you teach this? They just laughed and told me Georgians learn this in the birth canal, it's part of their blood. I suppose it's no different than most Latinx being able to dance-it's part of their DNA.

After a 2.5 hour choir rehearsal with the Georgian maestro telling us to do this, that, and the other thing, I realized how exhausting this type of singing was! And yet, they do it at all times of day-even in the bars at 2 am or walking home at 4 am! Georgian drinking songs are actually quite sacred with references to wine and eternity! Georgia is also the birthplace of wine and one of the oldest Christian nations. The toasting tradition called tamadá, also has Christian roots. I saw churches from the 13th century! And Georgia is known for their hospitality. If you think of the origins of singing, whether from an evolutionary perspective or the church, it brought people together, to connect, and express feelings of gratitude, glory, laud, and honor, and perhaps could be the activity on the logic model that resulted in these outcomes, even if they were unintended.

I still am curious how a song is taught in the Georgian classroom, but until then, I'd like to suggest that we follow their lead! Once again, other countries have so much to teach us! Let's have our babies learn singing in their birth canal and perhaps, just maybe, we'd have a more peaceful and connected world.

On another note, I am proud to say my research will be published in the proceedings of the ISME conference :) Yahoo! #zarathescholar

A Heart Massage

That is how a new friend described Ialoni, the female Georgian choir that sang last night (see my Facebook for a video or go to their website. I think the thing that was most contrasting to what I am used to hearing in polyphonic music was the "oomph" behind the women's voices, particularly the lowest altos who were droning on a D5 (that's VERY low!). The warrior nature of their sound was exquisite and very chesty. This made me think of how outside classical Western music, we're not told to use our head voice. Someone introduced the term "natural voice pedagogue" to me yesterday. All my life I have been a chameleon, including as a musician. How the conductor wants me to sound, wants us to blend, etc. etc. It's come to a point where I don't know which sound I'm supposed to be producing when it is my choice (not all music is empowering-the opposite has been true!) 

Anyway, I digress, to see these women sing with their beautiful natural voices and still receive a standing ovation at the end because they shared their unique and beautiful gift, THAT was empowering. And then they still had some BEAUTIFUL acapella more choral sounding pieces, but that was just one color on their palette. Not to mention the stories that accompanied these songs. The one on my Facebook is about a baby dying and wow the dancing, the symbolism, the sound, everything so gorgeous. 

So often, choral educators use just the primary colors, or a monotone color. What I saw last night was a full palette with clear primary colors as roots, but by the end of the 45 min presentation they had all used their whole palette. What if we broke out of that mold? Painters in Buenos Aires have developed a very trendy style using just neon colors! What if we challenged ourselves to do the equivalent as vocalists, as musicians, as artists? Sure, classical singing has its time and place, but it doesn't have to dominate. I am going to strive to not make it a monotonous color on my palette. I am embracing my inner Georgian and using my natural voice as my primary color--how it should be mixed, I'm still working on that, thanks Dr. Michaels!

This fearless, strong woman presence was also noted in the large Kartlis Deda Mother statue, think the giant Jesus Christ in Rio, but of a woman with a sword in one hand and a glass of wine in the other. She symbolizes the Georgian national character: in her left hand she holds a bowl of wine to greet those who come as friends, and in her right hand is a sword for those who come as enemies. Strong, but still knows how to celebrate, love, and have a good time. This is what we need more of in the world. Keep our armor shells, because without them we'll wittle away with all the political divisiveness going on and we certainly need to continue to fight the good fight, but not without keeping a glass of wine in the other, to cherish life every day and remember to befriend. 

This statue especially had meaning after I had accompanied two Georgians to dinner prior and we went through the Georgian toast process. Essentially, you can make a toast to anything: trees, napkins, women, the potential President, the list goes on. Someone starts the toast and everyone goes around and says something about the topic at hand-and then you drink half the glass of wine and continue to repour until the jug is gone. Ours was intermingled with intense debate, but the nature of it was there. It happened over several hours so I had no problem climbing the hill to the monastery and aforementioned statue after, don't worry :) To drink with this amount of intention and truly cherish everything-from trees to napkins is a lovely practice I hope to carry forth. So here's to serif font that helps you read this and to the beautiful Georgian people who have already taught me so much in 72 hours! Not to mention the actual songs I'm bringing back with me. What are you toasting today?

Here's to Day 2. And no more sleepless nights.

Art cafes and Minivans

Well I've now been here 72 hours and here was my daytrip adventure to Gori.

After an hour minivan ride learning Georgia has no road rules (!!!), I arrived in the town of Gori quite ready for lunch. I used maps me to find a read art cafe. Intrigued I walked there and could not think of a better way to pass the hottest time of day! The grandma made me a special Georgian soup, an iced coffee that tastes like a frappe, and I had my first Georgian salad-cucumber and tomatoes w nuts. I escaped bread-a feat here! Then she turned off the American music and came in very proudly and put on Georgian music. And now I’m reading in the very appropriately named Read Art cafe in ironically Stalin’s birthplace. His museum wasn't much if you don't read Russian-appropriate I suppose. 

But the minivan ride back showed the Georgian people's true character. After getting dropped off at the train station when there was no train in sight, I boarded a minivan bus to go to the minivan marutshka terminal. The van was full except for a fold-up seat, whose seat back went maybe halfway up my back and whose seat cushion was non-existent, essentially it was a rock, for an hour. But no imaginary third lane passings like on the way here or tailgating semis that I swear we were going to hit(I already have already been sideswiped-thank you very much!). And then the girl next to me starts speaking to me in Georgian and I turn to her and she is pinching her nose, her hands covered in blood. She had a bloody nose. Usually, I see someone hand someone a kleenex and the route continues, but in Georgia, you pull over to the side of these crazy highways and the driver and 3-4 women get out offering kleenex, consoling her, making sure the bloody nose is not a life or death situation.

I felt so helpless not being able to say anything, which made me realize this is the first time in 2.5 years I haven't been in a country where I can speak the language (thanks Latin America) and it's been since the beginning of Tanzania in 2010 when I couldn't understand anything because even in Thailand there was always someone who spoke English! But here they talk to you as if you speak fluently. Google translate has certainly been our friend because not only is it a new language, but another alphabet-cyrillic! 

Good thing there are sulfur baths to wash away all your worries (and dead skin!).

Thesis process and music reflection continued

I wish I could have a more creative title, but the thesis has suppressed my creative writing so forgive the lack of creativity!

It's always interesting to read your thoughts-even a month ago. I am seriously a new person now that this thesis is behind me and as of this morning I PASSED!!! So I'm now Master Zanussi :) That process taught me so much. How I can truly be present in every moment and frankly, who my true friends are, who I miss seeing, and frankly, who I don't. It also was wonderful to know those hours didn't go to waste as they're already resulting in one international conference (if not two) come 2018. I don't say this to be boastful, but rather to show that hard work almost always pays off. There's not really a secret to doing something except working really hard. I had a nonprofit breakfast with Kate Barr, CEO of now Propel Nonprofits who essentially said just that and I couldn't agree more. There's no magical skill or technique I do except to keep doing, even when it gets rough. Now that I'm behind it, I can say there were multiple moments this fall where I truthfully felt I couldn't do it, that I truthfully was doomed (optimistic I know). But here we are, on the other side. The "secret"? Faith, determination, and persistence.

I wanted to respond to my last post and how my thoughts on choir and being a musician continue to evolve. I'm singing with a professional chamber group this week and the director truly knows his stuff! He not only can tell you every single word, but how the music aligns with the text, and then we get to do that!!! After doing a paper that talked about how important context is, it's been wonderful to walk the walk and not just writing about/observing it, but fully experiencing it! I've been writing about the impact music has on people without having that presence in my life so this week has been such a wonderful reignition how important that is for me! The project I'm singing with is definitely not community music, but the musical excellence has been such a necessity and refresher of my musical soul I haven't had for years. I've sang concerts, but this time I am so excited and want everyone and their mom and aunt and nephew to come see because we've worked hard and the music is so rarely performed I want people to learn about it!!

But are we focusing on community? No, but it's still rewarding. I think what I'm realizing is, in contrast to my last post, I don't know if it has to be an either/or. Sometimes I think I'd like to do projects like this one where we focus on the musical excellence and sometimes I'd really like to focus on the community aspect. But I think the difference I'm realizing is that a musician DOES NOT have to choose between the two! In music schools we're only taught the former and I am striving to find a balance between both (with my professional 100% focused on the latter). So I AM still a musician, and even a classical one at that, at times, but I don't have to stay in that box-I can be a classical musician who is meticulous with notes, rhythms, phrasing, diction, dynamics, AND I can be a potluck jamming improv musician AND I can be a musician that focuses on building community, inclusion, social goals, etc. etc. Only I can define what musicianship means for me!

Community with a Capital "C"

Another thing I've struggled with this month (I'm not even going to try to hide it with a word like navigate or grapple) is my identity as a musician. Ever since coming back to MN, I haven't felt like an authentic musician and the more I think about it, even in college, I resented having to go into rehearse/practice when it was a beautiful, sunny day. It felt like a constraint of freedom and for what purpose-to make music together, to perform, to be disciplined after I have been disciplined all day and then some, most nights. Now that a potential physical ailment is again occurring as a barrier to my vocal development, perhaps this is a sign that I really should accept the opportunity to close this chapter and open a new one. To be artful and creative in other ways like dance-the activity that makes me smile regardless of my stress level. Sure, I could do vocal therapy or voice lessons, but is that really how I want to spend my free time, perfecting something that only needs perfecting according to someone's definition? My voice is my voice and that will never change-even if that means I'm no longer a classical musician-I can accept that. That was never my goal. My goal was to make Art with a capital A and for a long time I thought that meant you had to be proficient in music literacy and ear training. Now,  I want to make Art with a capital A and Community with a C. One of my staff said something at staff training over a month ago that has really stuck with me. Do we want to be an intentional community that communes by singing or a singing group that implies a community? I'll be fully transparent. None of my closest friends have ever been musicians, have ever been from that so-called community. What music ensemble experiences have consisted of for me is a lot of "you're not good enough," "your schedule doesn't allow you to do x so you can't do y", "you need to switch studios [for the fourth time in four years]", "we're not going to make music to accommodate others," "your voice doesn't blend," "your voice," etc. etc. etc. Is this really how I want to fill my free time? The wholehearted answer is NO! Does this mean I can't be a "musician"? Absolutely not! Just not in the way I have done for so long-but with the closing of a chapter, comes an opening, and I'm excited to see what that is come 2018. I've debated community choirs that only learn music by ear, that sing for the message, even some church choirs (though I don't think I want that regular commitment). I'm done trying to be humble, prideful, or hide my feelings regarding this. Classical musician out-until I want to/if I want to-then that can be there for me-but I have to understand the tremendous work, discipline, patience, and time that would require. And at this point, that's not what I need.

I need activities that let me be me, embrace me wholeheartedly, accept and love me for who I am, unconditionally. That build community with a C-women's circles, non-technique dancing, running without a timer, hiking without a mission. Unplanned time is certainly a goal of mine for 2018, but for now I am officially closing up shop as a classical musician and just as I acknowledge in my thesis,  am accepting my limitations, now both physical, mental, and frankly spiritual at this point. I'm done denying myself because I don't fit someone else's standards. That's not transformative or life-giving. Quite the opposite. Of course I will go support others and when I am accepted as I am, join. But I'm done desiring to be on the stage as an audience member, of saying if only I would practice, etc. etc. I chose a different path and that is more than okay.  My path is to create Community through Music. 

New Moon, New Me

Well, my intention was to journal after being back a month, but obviously that didn't help. Frankly, I've had zero time to process since I've landed. The first week back was definitely a transition, quite emotional, and a whirlwind. Since then, it's been non-stop at work with challenges, unknowns, new projects and staff, and yes, some celebrations! It hasn't been easy-whoever said the hard work goes away after the first two years is completely false, at least according to my own experience. Maybe founders experience the same feeling mothers do after childbirth where they forget the extreme pain (or stress) that was required to birth the baby (or organization), but this year has felt like the hardest yet. Trying to find traction beyond our comfort zone of wonderful, but small circle of supporters, it's required boldness, something I've certainly grappled with in the past. But now, I'm not afraid to be bold, I know what needs to be done, and thanks to my music training from way back when, it instilled a discipline and persistence in me, that is immutable. I won't claim I'm indefatigable because it hasn't been without breakdowns, tears, doubt, and hard conversations, but I feel like we're almost out the other side and as the Lady Gaga song goes, "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger."

The Judd Fellowship presentation went EXTREMELY well! I felt extremely supported by the various people who came: donors, family, friends, neighbors, classmates, mentors, and advisers. It was the first time in a long while I felt like I truly excelled at something and was 100% proud of the result. Never mind my poster somehow got crinkled and the fonts were too small on the poster, I owned my speech with passion, belief, and enthusiasm and stole the crowd. I commanded the room with my presence and was bold. Something I struggle to do as a musician, a student in class, a nonprofit director, a friend, and a daughter. There are very few things I feel wholly true and the argument I make in my thesis is one of those-music can transform lives by developing character skills. This isn't meant to be a recap of my thesis so I'll leave it there, but that presentation proved to myself I can be bold when it's the right fit.

See here for my poster and some pics! If only the paper could go as well. I continue to receive significant critique for revision of my now seven chapter thesis. The good news is most of it is drafted, the bad news is I have significant work to do with transitions, flow, not to mention citations. But I finally have a date-Nov 6-to turn the final draft into my advisor. So these next three weeks will be hard, but the end is in sight and with that I can do anything. So with that, here are my affirmations for the new moon.

Affirmations for the New Moon
I do vow I will continue to care for myself taking one night off a week, not sacrificing sleep or exercise, meditation, or reflection such as this, though a lot more of it has been internal. But as this new moon comes in Libra, the sign of balance, I will accept that the imbalance I will feel the next three weeks is only temporary. That relationships will still be there after T-Day and acknowledge the challenge and hard work that it is! I will not sabotage myself for mistakes, limitations, or other self-criticisms. I will only practice self-love and name when I am not showing that to myself. And for these next three weeks, I will put myself first, whether that be a mental health day, a day to work remotely, or cancelling non-obligatory volunteer activities. I will not apologize for putting myself first, for tears that are shed, or for saying no. I will persist and not give up. Sí se puede!!!

I am not going to share this post on social media, but for those of you who are reading, this is for accountability and a reference point for me come Nov 3 of the full moon and the last weekend I will have the draft in hand!

Amazonian Adventures

The Amazon was really hard to put into words or pictures, because it was about the experience more than anything. I saw some awesome pink dolphins, but walking in the middle of the jungle with nothing but a flashlight and a machete, or coming back to your mosquito netted hammock to find a tarantula on the netting, or catching a fish with nothing but nylon and a cricket, these were the experiences. And more than the experiences, I had the opportunity to stay with an indigenous community. I learned there are 35 million people living in the Amazon basin with only 3.5 million indigenous people, only 10%! I saw them preparing coca leaves, drying cassava, making the largest tortilla I've ever seen. Their houses were simple, made from wood, with hammocks, or maybe a bed, and an open fire for cooking. Very much reminded me of the Maasai in Tanzania, but in the middle of a jungle! My guide was absolutely incredible! A Couchsurfing friend who connected me with various indigenous communities. I introduced a kid to his first carrot and played cards by candlelight. The bathroom was a toilet basin, but one you had to pour water down to flush, and the shower was tributaries of the Amazon river! One day (see Facebook) we did a mud spa in the river, which I also learned helps keep the bugs away! The only time I dare be in a bikini in mosquito territory! They also had two potions against bugs: one was a pill that translates as Thiamin that you took daily and helped you sweat something that repelled bugs and the other was a soap you put onto wet skin and then didn't wash off. I still got plenty of bugs and can't imagine going during the wet season when it's mosquito season, but they helped somewhat :) Of course the indigenous people used nothing!

The guide for the community and jungle walks had some INCREDIBLE stories. I won't try to recount them detail per detail because I won't do them justice and I learned the power of oral storytelling. Whenever it rained, or we were tired and needed a break from trekking, someone would tell a story or start singing a song or doing something to interact with one another. No phones, tvs, etc. etc. Though at the community I stayed they did manage to have on demand tv in one of the houses. I learned so much from them and when I say I'm on life 7, Jairo must be on life 27! He's been tracked by pirates (just last year!), forced to go with the guerrilla, lost in a jungle for 4 days, not eating for 9 days, survival stories you only read about or see in the movies. He said them so casually. One of my favorite things is the stories would be told in pieces. He would start telling one and then we would be interrupted by cooking or something and then Eliceo (my CS friend) would say "Y entonces (and then?)" and he would continue. I learned the best woods for building a house are quinilla and X. I learned when it's a clear night as it was when we camped in the jungle that many animals don't appear because being nocturnal they think it's daylight. I learned some differences between grey and pink dolphins (pink dolphins have more of a scalar fin and much longer noses to fish out of orifices, in addition to being a different color, of course!) and some theories as to why they're pink (something to do with helping them regulate circulation as they exercise). But in addition, I learned the stories of these people. My CS friend studied tourism in Texas, grew up in the jungle, and being indigenous himself, tries to support those communities, which I was happy to do. I HIGHLY recommend him, Colombian Remote Adventures, if anyone is interested. It was so much more than seeing the flora and fauna of the land. It was about truly conociendo the people. It's really amazing how traveling works. You end up being with people for five days that you've never met before and getting along swimmingly almost always!

Fortunately, I was in charge of the menu, and you can bet we had at least one fresh vegetable at each meal, not to mention fresh fish, and no rice or bread!! And pineapple and coconut right out of the jungle! We definitely ate wel! and it is a trip I will remember for a long time. It was equal parts adventure, culture-sharing, and experience. Transport there is old wooden boats that they then put a motor on that reverberates off the river banks. We were sporting high rubber boots, equally good for mosquitoes as mud/water, and machetes. The things you never thought you'd do...

I arrived to Puerto Narino, which is still quite remote, but a village with hostels and a real shower. Sleeping in a hammock was so easy, and it almost felt weird to sleep in a bed after 5 nights in a hammock. If anyone has debated trying hammock camping, I highly recommend it! Of course our guide slept on the jungle floor on a tarp but with the tarantulas, ants, beetles, flies, etc.etc. etc Insects like I've never seen on anything left out to dry so I can only imagine what sleeping on the ground would be like! I also got quite accustomed to going to bed before 10 and getting up with the rooster! Doubt it will last, but one can hope right? (Perhaps that's why I was able to get up at 4 today so easily!). It was a vacation unlike any other and I'm incredibly grateful for the experience, though definitely not for everyone (if you need a toilet, shower, or don't like bugs, don't do it).

I left this morning after spending yesterday buying regalitos and giving mini-workshops to youth who made me feel like a celebrity wanting my signature and bombarding me with questions after working with me for less than <30 minutes. It also reaffirmed my choral expertise, which I am going to work on owning more, even when other choral professionals are present. I'm saying this publicly so you can hold me accountable and to be fully transparent. I helped notes become phrases, I helped phrases become stories, and I helped the youth go from singing words on a page to thinking about what they were singing. This site (I'll leave the name out) had the least amount of social focus and thus questions that required thinking didn't go over well. It was much more a teacher/student atmosphere and go figure was run by a formal orchestra and selected the "best voices of the school." I did bring back a really fun piece for CMC though and the kids made it worthwhile!

Perhaps it was the two hours of sleep, or the reflecting, but on the plane, I began to cry, weep. I've never cried for leaving a country before, only the people. But I really started to realize how much I was going to miss not just the people, but the place, the atmosphere, the $2 lunches, the familial feeling everywhere with everyone, the food (though I did try to bring some of my favorites back), But I know I"ll be back. I've never been so certain of returning to a country before. I want to bring that familial feeling to our country and extend it to foreigners, especially in these times. I want others to feel just as welcome in MN as I felt in Colombia, where after a night I already feel like they're family, where they want to help in any way they can to ensure my trip is the best. I want to change Minnesotan culture to be a warm, welcoming place, including to a MInnesotan's house. So if I can ever help you to know MN better or host you, PLEASE tell me! I will gladly do so.

All in all, I am far more impressed by Colombia than any other country I have visited in regards to community music programs. The social aspect has been far more apparent and consistent. I'll say more once I've analyzed the surveys fully, but there are definitely trends across all programs and the level of self-determination is significant. I couldn't have picked a better country if I tried and really had very few negative parts of my travels. I didn't get sick except for a stomachache yesterday, I didn't ever get frustrated with cultural differences, I was able to fully embrace my blonde hair and womanhood (the brunette thing failed miserably!), and I truly have a part of me in Colombia now.

As I return back, please bear with me. Reverse cultural shock is almost always more difficult and I am trying to do what I do when I go somewhere-have no expectations and just let what I feel happen and process accordingly. I feel incredibly blessed to have had this opportunity and will be forever grateful for being a Judd Fellow and receiving C Charles Jackson Foundation funds to make this trip possible. Thanks to all who followed me and if anyone has any questions, I am more than happy to answer. And if you want to travel to Colombia, here's my list:

1) 4 days in Bogota area: 1 day: Gold Museum, Candelaria, and the parks if you want; one day Zipaquira and Laguna Guatavita; one day Villa de Gleyvi (Didn't make it here, but it's on the list for next time), and one day of travel (there's a lot of traffic!)
2) Medellin: Electric stairs in San Javier, Grafitti tour. Parque Arvi, the Ciclovia for biking, but it's just a great city to explore!
3) Salento (3 days): Valle de Cocora 1 day, hot springs 1.5 hours from Pereira (didn't make it here, next time!), and one day just giving yourself a retreat in the beauty
4) Santa Marta: 4 days. 2 days Tayrona National Park-but book your tix ahead of time online and your mirador hammock too! One night Palomino, one day Minca (didn't make it to either this trip either) and if the Lost City Hike is of interest, this is the place to do that too! You could also take a bus and go to Cartagena, but I didn't make it there
5) Cali: Dance. Eat. Repeat. If you're not a huge dancer, it's not a must see, but I really enjoyed it. Popoayan was a cute city for a night too.
6) Amazon: 4 days Leticia->Puerto Narino and go to parks nearby. Keep in mind now is the dry season, less bugs, but less water so fewer animals.

Well there ya go folks! Just landed!

Besitos

Batuta

Yes, I know it's been a bit since I've written. My time in Bogota was pretty uneventful. I saw two programs. One was Batuta, funded majorly by a program called Music for Reconciliation, and only works with victims' families. A social worker does a class once a week that uses either the telling of a story, something they call cineforo where they watch a movie and then discuss a theme, or have a workshop and/or discussion on a certain theme. THe point is to engage the youth in their lives through whatever the theme is. I would love to bring this aspect to CMC, especially for Crescendo!

I saw a class that was geared toward special needs humans, not just children. They were mostly cognitive needs, but regardless, had a really cool partnership where they partnered with occupational therapy students at a university who did activities with them and served as teaching assistants. When I was there, they colored and provided individual assistance as needed. The students were taking turns playing the drum and most of them were quite on beat. You could tell it was a highlight of their week. Especially because as in other parts of South America, students who are labeled as descapaz (literally uncapable) cannot attend a traditional school and there are no laws about discrimination of ability there so very few handicapped adults are able to work. To see them so happy during this class at least gave my heart a lot of joy.

Batuta is far more extensive starting at age 2 until 18, only stopping at that age because the Music for Reconciliation programs require that. It is far more inspired by El Sistema in the structure, though I found it interesting. There was symphony orchestra (basically a replica of EL Sistema, but mostly with paying students on a sliding scale in representative groups) and then there was everything else under Education. This included choir, music introduction (which seemed to be a theme at all three sites I visited), and the social classes I talked about earlier. So the orchestra students did not have these social classes-which furthers Geoff Baker's point in his book of the hegemony that exists of the symphony orchestra. THey were exempt from the "educational" classes,

The program was gigantic serving 32,000 a year! I commend such a major foundation 26 years old being run by a woman too. This is a theme that I haven't expounded upon, but I Have been amazed in the best way possible how easy, for lack of a better word, it is to be a woman here. No cat calls, no machismo, and a woman can be herself. Perhaps I saw a fachada (facade) but talking to many women it sounds like this is true. I got "hello" or "que bonito" in the streets in Bogota, but more because I was foreigner, than a woman. This surprised me because with Chile being "the most developed" I would have thought that would have had the least machismo, but not so, at all. IN some cases, the woman was the head of house, staying at home, taking care of the kids, but also in charge of any household decisions, traditionally a male role in the US. And in many cases, especially our generation, women were working and being respected or bosses of men! Was really empowering to see a woman in charge of such a huge organization! And until recently, due to politics, La Red was also run by a woman for four years.

Every Child Can

Forgive the political nature of the name of the post, but I can't exclaim enough how much I've seen "kids be kids" regardless of background. You give them the ball, they play with it. Boys roughhousing with each other, girls whispering to each other, all ravaging for the candy from the pinata, and proud of their accomplishments. This includes kids from the lowest strata, which they call 1 here. One school was even side by side with strata 6, the wealthiest class. I was impressed how many encouraging words there were about reaching your dreams, hard work, and one school even had every student's name on the desk with a reason of why they matter.
Yet, I will never forget the ride to a school in San Miguel, a rural "suburb" if you will of the Buenos Aires neighborhood. This used to be a conflict zone and all of the youth they were working with had either been displaced or suffered from sexual abuse or maltreatment at home. All of the youth were from African descent, which was a VERY different Colombia than I had been exposed to the past two weeks at La Red. The views to get there were by our standards, gorgeous! Mountains, open fields, but of course this meant minimal development, and more importantly, no access to water. The little shops only sold pop and energy drinks, not water. We stopped at the teacher's house to use the bathroom as that was the last bathroom we were going to have-there was no bathroom at the school. With no water and no bathroom, I can't imagine trying to learn how to read, how to do my best, etc. without water or a bathroom, especially as a girl.

This just goes to further my belief that every child can learn, take these music programs as just one example. But they can only do so with the basic Maslow needs. We can't expect them to read or score well on a test if we haven't addressed their physical needs, step one. But step 2, is we need to address their social and emotional needs. What has struck me about the programs in Cauca is that there was always a social worker and/or psychologist present, whether she (in this case) happened to be giving the instruction or in the room helping in whatever way needed. This is a  position I hope to add to CMC in time as I've seen the power that has come from having someone involved in the evaluation, in the teaching, in the program's administration. But in development, we have to stop trying to have our goal be that youth score at X level or can read at X level, and ask ourselves, are children's needs being provided for? Physical needs and classroom supplies (like having desks, and non-broken chairs) is a start, but especially when working with youth from traumatic, vulnerable, backgrounds, we have to stop assuming that youth can learn without addressing these needs first.
I heard a harrowing story about two women fighting with machetes and chopping the other's fingers off. If that is my mom, how can I expect to care about school when my mom's life is endangered, or maybe my own? If we took this approach to MSP's achievement gap, would we see different results? I can't help but say yes, when Colombia's most dangerous neighborhoods have evolved into lively spaces available for every child to learn. If we acknowledged the trauma that came from the Rondo neighborhood's destruction, or the fact that 1/5 Black men are/have been in prison (and thus most likely are black youth's family members), would we teach differently? How would we measure success differently? At the end of the day, should literacy be our end goal? Absolutely, every youth should be able to read, but not before making sure there other needs are provided for. We cannot expect academic results to change without an investment in the physical, social, and emotional needs of these children. Every child can learn, but needs the supports to do so. We can't expect resilience, music, or any other magic silver bullet to change these kids lives or help them or even impact them minimally if we don't give them the foundation. It's like expecting them to build a house, but only giving them supplies for a roof.
Tomorrow begins my final research chapter in Bogota. I'm curious to see the differences and the similarities, but I challenge GenNext to instead of measure reading levels and invest in literacy programs, to invest in more SEL resources, social workers, etc. and then see the changes. Maybe this has to happen through CMC. You can bet your money this is getting added to the list of things I'm telling the new Mayor!