My spring journey

I'm writing today without a purpose or a mere title. Just blogging to see what comes out. What a spring! My first serious relationship, my first full-time-with-an-office job, and the first time since high school that I've seen family more than monthly. As I'm back in my home state, despite the horrific weather we've had, I really feel at home. Sure, Boston is a very fun city and I'd love to be there, but purpose drove me home and purpose continues to form my each and every day.

I've realized tenacity carries into all areas of life, for better or worse. I don't end things, I don't give up. I just try to approach them from different angles. And so far it's worked :) This week has been crazy as we prepare for our spring concert next week with two mini-concerts this week and my interns in finals mode. My dear roommate moved out and my boyfriend studying on steroids. But it's hearing those kids sing that keeps me coming back each and every day. Today was my first day ever missing programming and it was so good to know that it would run without me there. I have an amazing staff and they can do it. We're certainly still learning, but I'm more the problem-solver rather than the implementor at this point. And thanks to our multiple partners, even when the bureaucratic carnival occurs, I have so much support in others.

I did the very notorious ED role of signing appeal letters and licking envelopes today and realized how many people are truly behind this in such a small time and it truly is remarkable. It gave me much more hope about raising our fundraising goal and knowing it WILL be sustained next year and beyond. I remember last year we talked about what if the director got hit by a bus? It is still too young to say it could run without me, but knowing days like today can happen without me, are a start. I'm more there to guide from the back, coaching and nurturing it rather than leading headon. A year ago, I don't think I would have understood this leadership style, but now I do. It empowers others AND requires independence and a strong trust.  I can't say enough about my staff. None of us knew the unexpected turns we'd encounter this spring, and yet still, we have a choir.

I think all relationships whether that be personal or professional are the same-you set expectations, but have to a) check-in to see if these are actually realistic and/or possible, b) have to see if the road has curved down an unexpected detour, or how you can make something that seems like a full-road pothole become a detour or at least a smaller pothole, and c) evaluate what the value of persistence for a particular matter is. If it's not worth it, don't fight it, and if it is DO! To quote American Beauty, so many people live life asleep, going through the motions, but not enjoying life, and yet they do nothing to try to change. Persistence is the key to innovation (knowing the right people and having  501c3 status always help) but really taking that risk was a huge leap of faith, but I did it and you can too! There's a TED talk on vulnerability that says vulnerable people are happier, and as I've realized in myself needier. But that's what it takes.

I was talking to a choir today on the pacific coast who just started a program and we couldn't relate more to each other. It's that connection, that community, that I experienced today that I hope I can provide to these families and their youth. It saddens me greatly when a student has to stop coming because they're moving so close to the end of the school year, or don't have a stable address where a bus can drop them, and yet we keep going. And even if only one value we foster sticks, whether that be our gratefulness, respect, or listening, we made a difference and we're making our mark.

Look out 2014-2015! I'm ready for you! And for the first time in my adult life, in the same city, in the same job, with the same boy. And not at ALL monotonous. Life gives us daily challenges and daily joys. Today was a lick-envelopes-and-eat-ice-cream-and-watch-Netflix day, tomorrow will be my kids singing alongside their band classmates, and the next day hopefully a Friday night filled with friends and laughter. Life ebbs and flows, just like the ocean. And yet we have to cherish every moment because it passes too quickly. We can't keep hoping for change if we're not proactively doing anything to change. As trite as it is, Gandhi really had it right: be the change you wish to see in the world. And that my friends is what I'm trying to do, by breaking down barriers and boundaries both within access to the program as well as between partners. It's time we do this as a whole community: neighborhoods, parents, music schools and teachers, schools, and youth programs ALL included. And if we can build that as a model, then we will truly have collaborated!

Generosity...or is it?

I was having a conversation with someone the other night about how there's no such thing as altruism. This led to a conversation about generosity and how while we claim someone is generous, there is always an alterior motive. If a man goes in to rescue a child in a fire, we would say he's a hero; but subconsciously, he is probably thinking how good it is going to make him look or how good he's going to feel saying he saved a life or..the list goes on. But my question is this: do subsconscious thoughts count as non-altruistic? If you're not consciously thinking them, aren't you doing something for an altruistic reason?

Something I really admire are generous people; people who give their time, resources, brainpower, hearts, lives..people who have helped me to be at the point I am today both professionally and personally. How can I say those people weren't generous? They know I can't offer them the same. Or the idea of Pay It Forward. Is that not generosity that is passed onto the next person? I suppose one could argue no since that person knows he/she should do something since someone did it for him/her. It wasn't happenstance generosity. But I've seen people give them wholeselves to something wholeheartedly. Obviously this demonstrates their passion for an issue/organization/person, but to say it's not generous..I can't do.

This is only a mere musing, hardly a post. And hopefully a spark for conversation!

Traveling, A Year and a Half Later

I just finished watching The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and as most travel movies do, I now want to travel. To see the beauty he hiked and experienced, especially when the weather here is subzero temperatures! I was reflecting on a post I wrote a year and a half ago: http://swzanussi.blogspot.com/2012/07/travelingdenotation-vs-connotation.html

And I thanked myself because I do not feel any differently, in fact I'm reaffirming what I said then. However I do have a new perspective. While I may not have seen as many exotic places recently, I've still grown in many new ways. I'm learning what life with an actual base involves, having regular friends, acquiring furniture and furnishing a place one calls home, and even a relationship. I don't crave wandering like I used to because my family, friends, and life are here now. I'm making a footprint in this community, one that I care about, where I was born. I've learned just as much in launching ComMUSICation and still felt blown away by the beauty of snow, the river, the sunsets here, up north, etc. You don't have to go far to appreciate the world.

But I do still want to conocer el mundo (get to know the world) and that does require more travel. I want to explore regions like southeast Asia I have never been and know little about aside from the stereotypical smiling people, spicy food, and elephant rides. Something in me needs to touch it, smell it, see it, hear it, taste it with my own senses, again reaffirming my sensual nature in the most literal sense of the word. Yet now I want to do it, knowing I am returning to this base, this community, my home. Knowing that my travels are temporary, enriching experiences, and at this stage in life, not my home.

So as I see Walter spotting ghost cats in Afghanistan, trekking the hills of Greenland, and meeting people, my spirit still lusts for those experiences, to adventure; though I'm not sure I can call it wanderlust anymore as it isn't the desire to wander. It's to conocer. To relate, to get to know others more, so I can learn more about others and myself. And that, my friends, cannot be learned from a book or travel documentary. That must be experienced for one's self, to reinvigorate, to spark curiosity, and grow one's self as a human. Unless I am going somewhere for work or to visit family, I am done traveling, etymologically speaking traversing. I am ready for a new type of exploring: to conocer, to understand.

Race and Culture: Open and Outward

I Apologize for the long hiatus. Who knew starting a program would allow no free time for blogging ;p There have been so many thoughts going through my mind since last writing I've been putting this off as I'm not sure where to begin. But then I saw this as a Facebook status: Where would I be without opportunity? And that my friend is the question I hope we don't have to answer with Sistema-inspired and other high-quality programs. Because that's what Sistema does: provides for ALL! Giving everyone an opportunity. I know without opportunity, I certainly wouldn't have become a musician or a traveler, both things integral to who I am now. It is usually only when we have people who encourage us, support us, love us, and challenge us to do things and provide the way to do so, that we can have opportunity. And that is why I claim we are an accessible program, not an equitable program, though that too.

I went to a workshop on Saturday called European American Heritage. It was fascinating. We constantly talk about diversity, but ever since we take a standardized test, it is ingrained that European American=white. But why? What other nationality is labeled by such a superficial characteristic-the color of one's skin? NONE, they are place-based. It is with the power of white, like a kudzu vine (Thank you Healing Roots for the analogy), that whites colonize, overtake, are the dominant culture with many times no accounting for others. If I label myself as a European American, it puts whites too in the place-based labeling, not deeming the power. Every time I have discussions of race and culture, it becomes more and more apparent how imperative (not just recommended) these discussions are to EVERY workplace. People of color notice who is in charge, makes decisions, etc. despite if we talk about it or not.

I'm reading a book called Why Are All The Black Children Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? and it talks about multiple instances where the white parent is embarrassed what her younger child said about blacks and responds by shushing them. The author talks about the importance of acknowledging younger kids' questions about race because younger kids notice physical characteristics and it's perfectly natural, not racist. The child's questions will not go away, just unanswered and learned to be unasked. If we can't have open, honest conversations about this, assumptions and dominant culture to take precedence.  It's important to explain to kids people come in different skin colors just like hair. I grew up in a family where colorblindness and egalitarianism were the basic values and I now realize that simply cannot be. We have to acknowledge that whites have been oppressors and the conditions that are White Privilege. Reading enough statistics anyone who says this is simply a class thing is flat out wrong.

As always I'd welcome comments.

Truly Using Existing Community Resources

Last week I attended a fundraiser St Paul Conservatory of Music breakfast with two extraordinary performances by youth under the age of 10! Their performances were truly at the conservatory level. SPCM has been around for 25 years and this is when I reaffirm the work that's already being done in our communities and how important it is to collaborate with them rather than tell them to "move over, El Sistema is comin' through!"

One thing El Sistema constantly preaches is the "accessibility" piece. Yet, I found out the piano player I mentioned above was on a 90% scholarship level. My old thoughts were that most of the time scholarship kids are seen as merely an outreach program and that El Sistema was the only thing to truly be accessible to all, but Gideon's performance showed me differently. And any high-quality school ensemble IS accessible to all. I didn't have to pay a cent to be in the Stillwater choir. It was that conservatory level we are enthralled by with El Sistema Venezuela occurring right here in Minnesota!! That's what we have to remember. That conservatories and music culture ALREADY EXIST here in the US. That we don't need to build music programs here, we need to provide programs USING these existing resources.

As i meet with more and more people and attend more and more trainings, I am increasingly grateful daily for these resources. I am now Youth Participant Quality Assessment trained, a national training that assesses quality in youth development programs. After writing our 30+ page paper on assessment in the arts, I realize how little of the iceberg we truly touched. The YPQA is a national tool for youth development programs, yet I had never heard of it until Sprockets. How many other assessment tools are already written and resources that are happy to share if all we have to do is ask? This was a huge intent for the Rep and Resource Library. So that we directors who are so busy, don't have to continually reinvent the wheel. In Minnesota, we have youth development institutes! Why am I trying to build a "new" youth development program when I have experts and tools at my fingertips? My true goal that I am writing aloud to be held accountable to, is not to design a new program; but rather use all of the existing resources collaboratively and by the collective whole creating a "new" program.

Another tenet we constantly talk about in El Sistema is the parent involvement. Yet St Paul Promise Neighborhood and St Paul Public Schools DO have a strong emphasis on this even going so far as to have a Parent Academy and a Wellness Cultural Center! By using these existing resources, I can build upon someone else's foundation, instead of trying to start without a cornerstone in place.

So my question then is this. What is "new" about El Sistema-inspired programs? My answer to you is this.

As wonderful as the work of the conservatory is, the focus is that: to be a conservatory focusing on individual performers, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, in contrast, El Sistema in my mind focuses on the ensemble, bridging the gap between the community and the musicians; they're one in the same. While this is obviously at a visionary level, we can start small by frequently performing for the community and involving them. Not with affectless performances where you are glared at if you applaud between movements (No fingers pointed ;p), but rather a celebratory informance (a word I heard the other day and have adopted), informing the community of what is going on and celebrating the community.

My goal is to truly link all parties together so that it is not a "new" program, but a selection of the fittest, linking all parties together-charter/public schools, colleges, high school students, other youth choirs, other non-music youth development programs, and thus providing high quality, while building upon the work that others have done for decades if not half-centuries!

Just Do It.

This past Friday I went rock climbing for the first time since the free wall at Galyan's in high school. I remember how badly my legs would shake and my fingers would tremble and asked myself, "Why in the world would I spend money to be afraid?" Well this past Friday I did just that after an invitation from a colleague and figuring why not. I went with a few colleagues and some new people, all very encouraging of my first ascent and my terrible trepidation of rappelling to the point of literally climbing back down the wall.
But, by the end of the night, I had overcome the fear and was rappelling with no hesitation. And yes, the adrenaline actually did feel good! One of my colleagues continued to try climbing a 5.10 and kept falling. He then talked about how his colleague was quitting his job and they were going to go for it and start their business. "That's why I tried on the rock climbing wall. I didn't know if I'd make it, til I fell. And the same is true here [with the business]."
And he's 100% right. WIth this mentality and knowing the rope was going to catch me regardless, I let go with both hands and let myself fall to the ground and even landed with a smile on my face. And that is also what I'm doing here in Minnesota. Until I fall, which hasn't even come close to happening yet, I can't leave. Each day is one new rock hold. Some incredibly large, sturdy, and a great grip, others a great connecting rock, and all pushing me upwards towards the top. And I'm starting to gain "spotters" helping me with which rocks I should connect to next and able to see from perspectives from which I cannot, able to see the whole wall and all the possibilities, whereas I, on one rock can only see the immediate rocks by me and perhaps feel for some and get lucky landing them.
So if you have something where you're afraid to fall, get over the fear and JUST DO IT! You won't know until you do!

Learning about Community Leaders from the Outside

A friend told me I hadn't written in awhile, which is true, partially because I'm in a time of transition and nothing's official and partially because some of my thoughts I've been afraid of expressing, but then I remembered my pact of being my true self here. So I'll elaborate on the latter and a blog post very soon on the former.

The whole Zimmerman case has caused a lot of interesting discussions and for me realizations. I'm sure you've seen the pictures of 1950s vs. 2013 and sad thing is the pictures replicate each other. Not even an exaggeration. I won't go into my personal feelings on the event, only to say that I've realized how segregated we still are as a society and how important race still needs to be. What do I mean by that? Of course, I wish I lived in a colorblind world, where it didn't matter. But after this past year being surrounded by various ethnicities, I realized how important it was to not only acknowledge diversity, but discuss it. Assumptions are made before I do/say anything just because of who I am; and why should I being from a "privileged background" be handed any information from others who didn't have that same "easy path"?

This question has really resonated with me this week as I began to attend community events. I attended one neighborhood event and I kid you not, aside from the photographer and a councilman candidate, I was the ONLY non-African-American, and even they didn't stay til the end. I don't even mean to say "white person"; I truly mean it was all African-Americans. To me this was sad, sad that so many didn't have the opportunity to learn about their visions for their neighborhood, to hear the beautiful music sang/played, to watch the amazing stomp dancing and spoken word presentations. From the moment I entered, I knew I was an anomaly attending this event, even though it said "everyone welcomed" and I was invited by a community member. I especially knew this when they thanked people for coming and the speaker smiled and stared at me. 'Who's the white girl at the table?' was certainly the question running through everyone's mind.

I tried to "act normal" and striked up a conversation with the man sitting next to me, but when it turned into an interview format, I decided it would be best to let it go. But just as I was about to give up, he asked me, "so..who are you?" This was my chance. I started to describe to him I was new to the area and what I am trying to build in the community emphasizing the community-based part of the elevator pitch. He politely nodded and acquiesced my request, giving me his email to send him the one-pager. The community member who invited me then told me all the people I should meet, but it was hard. I had to approach them and even then there was an invisible barrier. People wanted to see their friends and people they hadn't talked to in a long time; not the random white girl at the event. I had to truly push through this, and even then, I felt the disinterest. I acquired a few more business cards and returned to my seat.

It was only then, when my role turned to merely as an observer of the meeting, that I was truly able to see who each of these individuals were and when their true identities radiated. I was so impacted by these individuals, their words, their voices, their thoughts. Finding out the man I had spoken to was a former high school principal who impacted another adult present at the meeting to continue school and was now a business owner. Another was the only African American in the House of Representatives, one fought for the Red Cap Room name at the historical Union Depot in honor of his father. One fought for the presence of minority businesses in the Square and it was her daughter's shop that was there.

These individuals' identities shone brighter than an LED neon glow stick and their stories so powerful, but it was only in the presence of the community. I asked myself selfishly why I wasn't able to see this power when I conversed with them? And then the whole "privileged background" and being handed information from others who were constantly oppressed conversation from the year really resonated with me.

All of a sudden there was a large division of "we" vs "them." And how could there not be? "They" put a highway straight through "our" neighborhood, "they" weren't even going to stop the lightrail in "our" neighborhood, just have it go straight to downtown so "we" couldn't utilize it, and "we" are going to have to fight to keep living in "our" neighborhood as taxes/house value increases with this light rail so "they" don't kick us out. All of these statements are completely fair and I don't blame the mistrust.

But leaving that meeting, I had a question in mind: how can we show the power of being a community leader outside "our people"? How can we communicate our story, our identities, our backgrounds? Isn't that how impact is sustained, when we do something outside our own turf? As I truly value building a program that is community-based, how can I do this authentically? Especially when there are so many different cultures within that one community.

This is my dream. This is my hope of bringing different walks of life together through music. That we can realize it's not about the color of our skin, it's about the wisdom, the stories, the compassion, and the friendships we build, both within our own communities and with others different from ourselves. In my mind, this is the only way, we will be able to start to have the conversations needed to be empathetic towards all.

And now I'll close with part of a spoken word poem by Joshua Akpan, a freshman highschooler from Brooklyn park.

"People are always talking about the stereotypes of a young, black boy. That's right. I will rob you.
Rob you of your ignorance...I will sell you a drug...a drug of wisdom." I wish I remembered more, but that's a poem that will stay with me a long while.

What are your thoughts?