My religion

http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/culture/jmacmillan/100066610/does-richard-holloway-and-other-leftist-class-warriors-realise-that-el-sistema-has-links-with-opus-dei/

Often enough I get the question, "Are you religious?" or "Are you Christian?" My response now is "I'm not conservative, if that's what you're asking," because usually consciously or subconsciously that is what they are inferring. I am a believer of God, that is what I am certain. And after a discussion tonight, I know why I am so deeply rooted to El Sistema.

The above article appeared in my Inbox shortly after that conversation and while the author seems to denigrate Abreu for this role, I condone it. The reason why El Sistema is my Purpose with a capital "P" is because of the spiritual aspect of it. Perhaps I am blasphemous for saying this, but is the purpose of El Sistema, social change, not that which Jesus called us to do? Jesus, the historic man, came to eradicate the empire system and meet people where they're at with the "last shall be first" mentality..Well? Is that not what we're doing with El Sistema? Giving opportunities to those who in other circumstances are "last"? Is El Sistema not the "good news." a gift that anyone can receive? Dare I take it as far as saying I am in a discipleship program that next year will go harmonize people in the songs of music?

But the difference with El Sistema that makes it more meaningful to me than "religion" is the fact that music is a thread of unity. Anyone can relate regardless of their background. Sure, there are different types of music and pedagogies, theories, etc. etc. but everyone has been exposed to music in some way in their lifetime. I challenge you to disprove this. If you do have someone in my mind, I venture to guess you are thinking of "music" in a box of the Western paradigm with specific qualifiers-the same way many people have codified Christians.

So yes, I strive to live a life full of unconditional love, grace, forgiveness, and joy, accepting everyone for who they are, and learning from them. Perhaps these are "Christian" qualities, but I hate that nomenclature because it excludes so many others and infers only Christians contain these. Rather, I am a global learner, learning from all walks of life, and hopefully leading a life that will bring about social change. What that means the community will have to decide. 

2 hrs->semester class, realizations galore

So I finally had the opportunity to meet Erik Holmgren the previous PD in a non-interview context and wowzers. He has SO much to say and information to give away. Within the first five minutes, I wrote down five books I should read and by Fri have to make my own personal mission statement. I learned SO much in that two hours. Everything from not asking the question of what El Sistema is, but rather framing it in terms of what the community needs are to learning etymologies of words (yes I'm a nerd). We need to redefine music as something that evokes social change and the power it has on community as it was originally used, and cease to make music a "thing," Art for the sake of art. This is not to say that  we can't create beauty/Art through this community, but instead of measuring ticket sales, we need to measure children.

This really resonated with me and brought me back to my senior paper. Music used in the community setting as the Mapuche do even if it is simplistic so people can participate rather than the theory, complexity, and satisfaction value music has in the Western world.

As far as the retreat yesterday, wowzers! Lots of realizations, some of which I'll admit I'm not quite ready to disclose to the whole world wide web, but I can share if someone asks me. But here is an excerpt from my journal yesterday:

"We had a session today that made us cry, examine, listen, dig, dig some more, create, laugh, and really get to know one another as real human beings. SOme excellent questions came to the surface and I want to articulate them here. I'll start on the happy, lighter side of things. What brings me joy?

I started with the trite (but true) response of cute, little animals, children laughing and exploring the world. Those are all true statements! Connecting with people, going on adventures, having meaningful conversations. But as I dug deeper and the same question was repeated to me, my ultimate joy was uncovered: the feeling I get when I play music with no preoccupations, doubts or boundaries. There are no limits, not even the grandiose horizon is in sight. Just merely the notes that create a space where any emotion can be unleashed and the true radiance and golden light that fills my whole inner being and is truly indescribable, try as I might.

The second question was what gives my life meaning and through many activities today the same idea reverberated: relationships. Of course of loved ones, but also of flighting ones. People who came in, perhaps lingered, and then walked right out of my life and the appreciation I have in sharing whatever that moment brought to light: a meaningful conversation or discussion, a memorable walk, a significant friendship despite the duration, a philosophical challenge or a new way to think about a jaded topic. The fact that I realized in my E Africa solo trip of music being a common thread that connects us together.

And somehow combining these relationships and this common thread to creation, Mother Earth, nature. From the purple-colored mountains in the Absaroka Beartooth Wilderness to the true aqua waters of Lake Colca and Torres del Paine; from the sunset in San Pedro de Atacama to the vast, savannas of Tanzania, from the silverback gorillas branch thrashing millimeters from my face to the moonlike quality of the Tongariro Crossing and the mere awe of the glowworm caves; from the fine sands of Nahat to the breadth of the aquatic world beneath us in Zanzibar; from the African mamas with a three meter sugar cane atop their heads and their brilliant, colorful dresses to the spicy salsa dancers and dancing on the roof till 5 AM; from the crowded daladalas and micro rides to the kitchen of a true Italian, these are only a snapshot of what I've experienced in my 24 years of age. But they are all of our beautiful world that surrounds each and every day and the palette of emotions.

We also talked about what limited us and I fall back on this societal norms, knowing I'm not normal idea and afraid to do something because of what someone else might think. I have made great progress, but I think I can go further. I need to embrace my eccentricities and LIVE it, not shy away from it and try to covertly abscond it. I am SO the OPPOSITE of apathetic, disinterested and unambitious-I need to let that shine!

I also came back to the idea of not only a purposeful life, but a balanced one. When I was asked the question what keeps me off-purpose, I stated it was okay for me to take a break becaues I am constantly going 1000+ mph and sometimes I need to breathe, albeit not nearly as long as the avg person but 1-2 hrs is a good thing. I"m so "on" sometimes, constantly philosophizing, reflecting and learning (and that's a gift not to let life just pass me by). But i need to remember the downtime is essential in this balanced life as is activity that is not necessarily purposeful."

I would love feedback, comments, and anything else that this made people think of, that they are struggling with or thinking about in their own lives. That's the only reason I posted a personal journal entry word-for-word here.

It's getting colder here! Autumn has arrived, but the days are GORG!

Signing off from my new home in JP where I have this new routine of being up before 7 AM,
Sara

The first classes

Maybe a better title will come to me, but I have officially had my first classes, one with Tony on our speeches and the role of a mediator and one with Albert Oppenheimer (fellow from last year) from the YOURS project in Chicago on community mapping and improv.

Tony was not afraid at all to tell it how it is but incredibly useful feedback. We learned about the difference between credible and approachable voice. I have a very approachable voice and I need to learn on making it more credible. This will help my classroom management too. However, I didn't get too high in the decibel levels and I was more poised than I thought. I need to work on not using my hands as much (blame the Italian in me) and I need to stand more center and address the whole room. I enjoyed telling my story though and was very impressed with almost everyone's public speaking skills. No one was stage fright-I guess that's the pro of being musicians. It will be so rewarding to see how much we all improve. It also made me realize the experiences I am going to undergo with these nine fellows...we are going to experience a PLETHORA of experiences together!! Being critiqued in front of each other is only the beginning.

Community mapping is a very useful skill and I received some great sample emails on how to introduce myself to the community and be approachable. Though the time consumption issue is definitely a dilemma. Hopefully the next board meeting ACME members can go into the community and find out some new orgs for us to know about.

But the improv...that was powerful. We started just by playing one note and talking about the basic elements of music: sound and silence. Then we gradually added more complex concepts like dynamics, repetition, etc. Diogo tried to conduct us, but it was too composed in the literal sense. So I suggested we do what I did at Stillwater: close our eyes. And when we did that it was beautiful and truly a piece of music improvised and from the heart. Our barriers were let down and people weren't afraid to use their voices, both of their own and of their instrument. That performing experience is the first of many to come and it is so wonderful to again encounter the feeling of ensemble. All I wanted to do after that was play with everyone. It's instances like these that make me enjoy performing, not the solo stuff. From Monique's fluttering flute, to Andrea's vibrato cello, to Carlos' muted trumpet (never mind with Rachel's sweater), to Diogo's sus9 chords, it was a really special mixture.

Then it was time for Uno's (one I'm sure of many) where we celebrated Elaine's bd (never mind the cake that melted everywhere but was delicious if I do say so myself (my first vegan cake!)) and stayed there for 4 hours! I hope this camaraderie doesn't get jaded because right now everyone is so inclusive and on top of their game collectively. We even met on the holy day of Sun. to discuss our interview questions.

Highlight of the weekend: Seeing Train and Gavin DeGraw FREE and some great people watching while doing so.
Lowlight: Being locked out of the house for four hours because the door got locked so the cat would stay inside and I was eating breakfast outside after an exhausting zumba class..meaning I got stuck in my sweaty, aerobic clothes all afternoon. But the upstairs roommate is nice and gave me water and let me hang out with her.

Well I'm on this new schedule where I go to bed "early" (and wake up early no matter what time I go to bed) so I best be off.

Here's to another week!! My next posting I should know my residency plans (they're in the making right now but San Diego, Virginia Beach, and Larkspur (CA) look to be so far..)

Whew

Wow these days are a whirlwind! Even I (yes it's possible) can be exhausted. I actually opted out of a yoga class to come back to the place I'm staying and have some chill/alone time. Being surrounded by people constantly is great and I am so looking forward to a wonderful year, but it's really nice to do my own thing once in awhile. It's so cool to be surrounded by people from literally all over the world and even though four of the fellows are orig from CA, they all have completely diverse backgrounds. Hearing where everyone had lived the first day, I think we were only missing Antarctica. All the faculty are incredibly supportive and the words "Abreu fellow" (the old name of Sistema fellow) is gold.

I wish there were more to report, but aside from the stress of finding a home (which, fingers crossed, I think I've FINALLY attained 2.5 months later) and lots and lots of introductions/orientation activities including the typical speeches, slideshows, fairs, tours, and the unconventional Sam Adams brewery tour, sunset cruise, and pub crawl, I can only give my first impressions. My favorite is when I introduce myself to a grad student and have to explain what a Sistema Fellow is (so far my working definition is learning how to set up music programs in underprivileged neighborhoods and usually giving them the link to watch Dr. Abreu).

Everyone is awesome. I won't lie, it will be difficult with 8 women and 2 guys. Per normal, I gravitate towards the guys though after a friend told me I give off masculine energy I suppose that makes sense. I'm continuing to bike everywhere and make new friends. I'm staying with a gracious friend of one of the fellows from Brazil who is not only moving out on Fri, but also insisted we cook a meal last night-he suggested pasta-which meant homemade sauce, and I made a salad and bought some fresh watermelon. Delish!

As far as my resolution is going, I would say it's more or less at that stagnant phase though when I was in MN I did what I wanted, knowing full well there could/(was warned there would) be repercussions. But after some conversations they got hammered out and everyone understood in the end. The fact is I didn't let someone tell me what I should/shouldn't do and BIG NEWS: I DIDN"T FEEL GUILT OR APOLOGIZE for what I did.. It's important to live a balanced life-everyone should work AND play hard. This second part of the phrase so often dissipates and I strive to not suffer that same fate.

The Boundary Waters (both times) were a wonderful escape. When I went to PA for my gpa's 80th bd I had a mild nervous freakout sesh when I didn't have housing, but after that decided it would turn out (se van a salir mentality), there was nothing I could do to change it, and worrying about it would do nothing productive. So both times I went into the bliss of the BWCA with calmness, and only let myself be immersed in the callings of the loon, the endurance of a 460 rod (1+ mile) portage, the Perseids meteor shower, the strokes of the canoe paddle,the innovation to try things like Tang-covered smores, and building relationships with the people I went with. I also feel I've moved on from the "camp counselor" time in life completely. We had a great group and I was extremely thankful for that, but trying to relate to people 6 years younger than you while possible just seems pointless as I will never see them again. It was great to see new friendships forming though and watch the impact of teamwork and memories be cherished.

The one concept I continued to return to in my journal and the reason I think any team (a marriage, an exec team, a family, whomever) should do an excursion like this is that it is one of few places where what one individual does or doesn't do affects everyone. If someone reads a map wrong, you can get pissed and tell them how stupid they are. But that does nothing. In our daily lives (I hate using the phrase "the real world"), that "stupid" person would be fired or have to suffer the consequences for only themselves, whereas in this environment where everyone is eating, doing, and possessing the same things, it is quite powerful. Watching my dear brother go from sleeping in and doing nothing to pitch in in the morning to waking up when everyone else did and truly helping was really meaningful to see. Of course there are people who are more natural leaders than others, but everyone truly pitched in and overcame blisters, bug bites, soreness, and whatever else, to be a rock solid team and stronger family/freshman class.

I'm sure there will be much more to tell as our calendar fills up, but right now school is pretty what you would expect. It will be really interesting and impactful to have a program director who is a seven year employee of a community music program (pre-EL SIstema USA). I'm stoked! No expectations-here we go!!!

Stagnancy/Being Ordinary

Yes I know I should be sleeping. Especially since I"m going to attempt to get up for a 730 exercise class..but isn't that always when the mind wants to ponder. So I am doing a data entry temp job for the next three days and after 6 hours, I am very thankful I've saved enough that I haven't had to worry about doing this all summer because that was my limit. It was a beautiful, summer day, not too hot, and here I was shivering in a far too a/ced unit (have I mentioned I hate a/c!) wasting away my life typing in numbers for a study. Granted, the study is pretty interesting, but I'm learning fast, if I'm going to be involved in research it will only be the collaborating/doing part, not the evaluation/analysis part. Having been doing the evaluation part for my "internship" plus this data entry has been a bit too much, but only two more days. Real life is back in full swing and deciding to leave my new chapter of life for three weeks I think was a bit ambitious. Granted, it WILL be great to be in person at A.C.M.E. meetings, see friends, and go to my favorite place in the world the BWCA, but after having yet another awesome weekend with new friends and SO many happenings going on, not to mention new possibilities with this internship of becoming solfegge literate, this data entry full-time position, and trying to figure out housing (which may end up being a coop in the area I want to live in after all!) deciding to leave I can only hope will be fruitful and not stressful.

As far as my resolution is going, I feel like the above paragraph has detracted from it and I'm certainly at a point of stagnancy/shrinking back into my old grind. Any recommendations are warmly welcomed.     I need a new inspiration or person to challenge me or something. It's too easy to slip back into my comfort zone when I am not forced out. Which brings me to the feeling of ordinary. Words I think of to connote ordinary: boring, uninteresting, plain. Dictionary.com says: with no special features..normal. Now to me, these two definitions are very different. We all desire to be normal (at least societal norms do), but yet we all strive to be special. I feel like these two definitions contradict, no? But I digress..

Today was as ordinary a day as I ever want and even then I went to an Iftar feast (breaking of the Ramadan fast) which obviously was not ordinary in the slightest, but made the day (and my mood) more difficult, not completely fasting, but only eating a small amount of veggies at lunch. After watching American Beauty (you should too!), there's a girl in the movie that never wants to be ordinary and honestly, I agree. Granted, I don't think anyone wants to be ordinary, but so many people succumb to it. They don't have the ambition, the will, the "means" or rather the drive, to change or they're conditioned to think there is no other choice. But nevertheless I don't want part in the "real world," the 9-5, the job, the house, the bills. Some say I just haven't found that, but I have been out of school for two years. Sure, I"m not making big dough, but I am surviving. I know my twenties won't be my life, but I don't know if they'll change as much as they do for the "normal" (or ordinary) person because as I stated above I'm not her...and I still have 5 years!

On a different note entirely, Catholics please explain the decision of saving a baby over a mother!!!!!!!! But there are Catholic churches in town that embrace interfaith! There's a new wind coming on (a title of a song I wrote awhile back)

 Ok bedtime

Traveling...Denotation vs Connotation. Hobby or vocation?

So after meeting another CS "wanderer," last night, I've decided to expound on the word "traveling." According to good ol' Webster, 1) "to go on as if on a trip or tour," 2)  "to move from one place to another," 3) "to journey through or over." When I met this guy last night, he didn't say the typical, "I'm traveling." He rather said, "I'm wandering." When one says travel, it probably does signify a) there is a specific length of time (the tour definition), but b) that you're merely traversing through an area. Traveling isn't the right word to describe when you are going to an area to truly know it (conocer in Spanish) rather than to say you've been there. This also has to do with traveling for places v traveling for people. I myself certainly do both. Perhaps this is why I hate touristy places so much. Because there's no chance in getting to know the people or the area. The locals see you only as a simple customer to buy their product, rather that be a tour, hotel, or food. As I'm sure many of you already know, this is why CS is so amazing. You are not only staying with locals, but they usually show you things you would only know from being with a local.

When the CS last night said he went to Chile for a month and spent every day but one in Santiago, many people were offended and couldn't believe he hadn't gone to Patagonia in the south (I'll admit even I said you should have gone cuz it truly is beautiful). But that wasn't his purpose in going. The day he took to go to Valpo was a waste because he only went to see it. He didn't have time to get to know it. This is why I try to go to a place and truly get to know it rather than going to 10 cities in one week.

So back to the question at hand. Wanderer vs traveler. To me wandering implies you have no set route (True), no purpose (argued the purpose is sought along the away), and no limits as to what you may do. It isn't vacation, but I propose rather a catalyst to find one's vocation by learning about others and being pushed out of one's comfort zone with excellent discussion and a myriad of experiences. When I was in Europe, people often asked how long I had been on vacation. But despite the fact I wasn't working, it wasn't vacation. To me, vacation is when you go to one spot and do nothing. Traveling (IMHO at least) is almost an exact contrast. You're invigorating all five senses plus your brain, heart, and spirit. There aren't a whole lot of things that do this all at once and perhaps that's why I love it so much. I'm a sensual person in the truest and most literal sense of the word.
I also expressed last night how difficult it was for me to answer the unanswerable question, "How was XX (Tanzania, Chile, and heck even Boston)?" He brought up some good coping mechanisms that I'd like to share in case anyone else is struggling. First, don't bring up the fact that you've been there unless it comes up in conversation (to me this just invites boring, mundane conversation, but I'll try it). B) Point out, the amazing things they have that you don't have (living in one place, being married, etc) C) Don't let it get put on a pedestal.

But what I realized through this and him saying the sentence "When I was living in Germany and WOOFing in Switzerland," is that traveling like many things is a hobby that has particular lingo and a sense of understanding to which only fellow travelers can relate. This is not meant to sound exclusive, but if I name drop places, or someone says the above sentence, many would respond with the perplexed outburst of "YOU"VE LIVED IN SWITZERLAND AND FARMED FOR FREE???" or something along those lines. Where as my response last night was a mere nod.  This is not meant to sound superior, purely observation. We can understand each other and this is why I love CS so much. I can say in Tanzania... without getting this type of undesired attention. It's analogous to computer programmers. If they start talking about HTML code I am completely lost. If they talk about a program on a Mac I will more than likely understand, but I don't understand the intricacies nor appreciation on the same level of them and on some level, it blows my mind a bit how they can manipulate things so easily just by recoding (maybe not the best analogy, but you get my drift). Ditto sports. When traveling isn't a passion/hobby of someone, they just look at these places on a map that are far away from them, as wow I can't believe you've been to XXX, but they themselves don't necessarily have a desire to go there (Please correct me if you feel differently).

You can say they might have desire, but no money, but as Aleph by Paolo Coelho states, you don't need a lot of money to travel and most of my experiences have been on the tightest budget (most less than daily living expenses). It's a matter of me making it happen and living life how I want to live it. As Switchfoot states, "This is your life. Are you who you want to be?" When people live vicariously through me going to these places, I struggle because they too could, if they wanted to and were willing to deal with (for lack of a better word) the repercussions that come along with this nomadic lifestyle.


As Henry David Thoreau states, why don't we measure life in terms of LIFE, an intangible, infinite, resource rather than wealth, a finite, materialistic resource? What is the point of me buying a house that I will be indebted to for twenty years when I can use that money to see so many places and better myself and hopefully others by doing so.Who's saying I will ever want to stay in that place long enough? Marriage to me will be a true reason to travel. I'll have a guaranteed travel companion.Forever. I'm starting to wonder if settling down will ever be a concept with which I can relate, and honestly the older I get, the more I'm okay with this and breaking out of the traditional lifestyle. I think someone (and obviously plenty of people are) can be perfectly happy working a 9 to 5 and having a family they love. I'm not saying that's any less or more than the wandering lifestyle. It's just a matter of living life, whatever that means to you. Today's challenge for you is to examine what you really want to do and make steps to DO IT! No more complaining about the shitty economy (which quite honestly is more reason to go do something since nothing is going to come from sitting here writing countless cover letters to jobs you don't usually want anyway). 
Okay off to work for me now.

Letting Go

So after rereading the last post, I am realizing how shitty of a writer I can be when I am vague and too worried about offending someone or someone judging me *correction: me judging myself through someone's eyes*. I am going to try to write more honestly and thus hopefully cultivate discussion or at the very least provoke people to want to speak. I just read a friend's blog and I agree with him. If there is something that resonates here (or if anyone has struggled with this and is willing to share), talk to me so we can have a meaningful conversation instead of just a mere comment.

One thing I've realized about my nomadic life is that you don't have to be childhood bffs who have countless memories and inside jokes to relate to one another or have a meaningful conversation. Granted, this isn't the norm, but a Couchsurfer and I hung out for five hours the first time upon meeting and discussed everything under the sun: relationships, philosophy, economics, stereotypes of certain nationalities, masculine and feminine energy, gender roles, and the list goes on. I want to encourage that type of conversing with everyone (yes Sara, it's a bit ambitious) but if I don't aim for it, it never will happen. If friends want to know what I have been up to or you would like a response to the pedestrian question "How's Boston?" I'd be happy to tell you the adventures I've had like climbing Mt. Washington or visiting Niagara Falls, the frustration that is the apartment search and the basically non-existent temp job I have, the most patriotic 4th of July and best fireworks show ever, the heat and no fans apartment I'm subletting for the summer, the amazing progress A.C.M.E. has made, or the wonderful new people I've met. But rather, wouldn't it be more stimulating for both parties involved to have a discussion about something two people can both relate to, where their life experience only enhances the discussion rather than dividing two people into an unrelated dialogue and it merely becoming a catch-up session every time I call a friend. Of course these catch-up sessions are necessary, but I'm challenging you to try to take conversations to the next level, which yes involves some deep thinking. Here's a topic for starters, courtesy of a philosophical writer/non-traditional economist: Are humans meant for labor or for leisure? To digest this, the meaning/purpose of life may have to be discussed, which of course will vary depending on people's life experiences, but it is a topic that everyone can give their two cents, regardless of if they're traveling the world, planning a wedding, working an undesirable job in this tough economy, or in school.

And now  a personal resolution: to simply let go. I don't want to extensively define what that means so as to avoid limits as much as possible, but there have been a few times these past few weeks where I haven't worried what others would think or what consequences may happen, I just simply let go and embraced the moment and honestly, it felt really..liberating! I'm sure most of you knowing me know how much of a deviant/rebel I am (in case you are reading this for the first time, I am being sarcastic), but I'm  not even talking in terms of rebellion. I've realized that while I claim to not control my life and just let it happen, I actually subconsciously control it by not letting things happen or putting up barriers. Men in a non-plutonic way for one. People with different lifestyle choices, two. Me always losing things and being victim to it, three. Me doing things that may be taboo or what I think socially unacceptable, four. And the list goes on. Loved ones will embrace me regardless of what I do and I'm certainly not at the point to make this as private as my actual journal (maybe i"ll get there), but admitting this is a first baby step that maybe after two months will morph into more. Hopefully by making this public, I will truly stick to this, for at least the two month pact I have and as a result you as the reader will benefit to more meaningful, thought-provoking blog entries rather than me leaving out details or thoughts that turn an itinerant list into something meaty and hopefully something that you have to chew on (clearly living with a vegan has influenced even my analogies). 

I've also decided part of this resolution will be to answer (in a non group setting) any direct question. This will certainly be a challenge for me, but I won't know until I try if this is right and yes, this involves putting me out of my comfort zone. For many, living in a developing country away from friends/family, no power/hot water, and no common language, would be difficult. For me, that is no problem. I can sleep under a one roomed tin roof with only an open fire for a stove, a bathroom outside, and a bucket of water for a shower. Needless to say, I can adapt to almost any situation/place as well as a chameleon (forgive the unoriginal simile). Contrastingly, I can't (or rather strongly dislike) being put on the spot, talking about "bad" experiences, or the lack of experience I have in romantic relationships. By embracing my whole self, both the stuff I am proud of and the stuff I chide away from, I also think it's why I'm not willing to share the songs I have written with people I know but have no problem playing for the public. I hopefully will be more comfortable within my own skin, even when the skin has a few abrasions or larger lacerations (geez what is with me and metaphors tonight?!).

So here goes. To letting go and letting life happen. ALL of it.