Yoga teacher training was transformational, but that doesn't mean every day was cats and rainbows. I felt resistance in my body, mind, and even spirit. Crying daily, being attacked by miniscule no-see-um bugs (I never thought I'd wish for mosquitoes!), having physical reactions: upset stomach, body aching, fatigue, a craving for creature comforts (my first time ever!), and a large desire to just be home in my comfort zone. Our teachers warned us this would be transformational, and usually before transformation comes discomfort, but I had no idea what that would actually mean as someone who usually prides herself on being adaptable to any situation.
The stage of Jaguar was all about entering the mind and confronting the shadow self and even when you've done a lot of work on yourself, it turns out that's just one layer. I embodied traumas I haven't thought about in decades, but there they were staring me in the face and viscerally causing my body to react. Breathwork this time involved upchucking and a level of tingles I didn't know possible. Breath is power! Even though I had confronted these traumas on a mental level in therapy and started a new identity without these traumas, I didn't realize that on a physical level, they were still trapped in my body. That night, the power of my breath expelled them from the depths of my core at last, hidden there for far too long. Breath said "I am worthy to take up space. I am worthy to feel. I matter." I started to growl. I started to feel. And that night, I vowed I wasn't going to accept less than that. And even though I've mentally known this a long time, my body needed to embody it. It needed to feel. My voice matters. All of ours do. F*&! anyone who says differently, society will, but society isn't me.
I've known for awhile I'm a people pleaser, but now I've moved into a stage of recovery: I'm a recovering people pleaser. My feelings are valid even if they don't match someone else's, be that partner, family, colleague, or friend. Trying to fit into the classical musician box certainly was one cause of this condition; I had to to survive with "juries" and "Judges" in order to pass. But now, rather than singing music to prove myself as a musician or receive a good grade or add something to my singer resume, I choose what I participate in. I only sing music that is life-giving in a community that is life-giving. As part of work last week, we did a retreat for a client and I heard the term "deload language." We have to break down the language that is being used and explain what is happening. YES! I've needed external validation for too long. Without it, I felt psychologically unsafe- I needed to justify, needed to rationalize, needed to be coaxed, needed to fix. But in this Jaguar phase, I had the opportunity to simply be.
It wasn't easy. It was emotional. It was scary. It was definitely NOT enjoyable. It was lonely without someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright. My teacher said "this is when we get to learn to hold ourselves" and that was POWERFUL! A few mornings later, I had drawn the card of water so I decided to go down to the water for my walking meditation. Water taught me an important lesson that morning She said my waves can lap at your feet and cuddle you too. Nature can cuddle/hold us too in a way humans can't. We can give back what doesn't serve us to the Earth, be cleansed anew by water, burn away what doesn't serve us or reignite our passion, and breathe in new life with air in every moment. Until that moment, I've relied so much on another human to tell me it was going to be okay. That day I began to realize I don't need that external validation; I had everything I needed within.
