Lessons I've Learned in Relationships

 I haven't written in so long so here I am writing-something I always long to do more of and then I let life get in the way. I'm also practicing living from the heart and with that comes being more vulnerable so here goes. I try to view every life experience, certainly including relationships as a learning experience and with that comes lessons if you let it be a growth experience. That is what I choose to focus on amidst the hurt rather than trying to understand what it was/wasn't. I'm at the end of a very intense short-term relationship and hoping some of my learnings can be helpful to others. I'm realizing the importance of letting go, of endings, and feeling those endings. Sometimes transitions/evolutions aren't the answer. Grief is not a fun feeling to feel, but it's an important one and one I have minimized or denied altogether in the past. This time around I'm actually letting myself feel and in the process coming to some pretty important revelations. 

1. You can't fix everything. If someone has decided you're not compatible (or for whatever reason no longer wants to be with you), grand gestures don't matter. You can offer repair, apology, or understanding but if another person is convinced it's not gonna work, let them go. My anxious brain has a very hard time with this one and I even went so far as to write "sorry" in green peppers on a pizza and write a heartfelt card thinking I could repair it. Turns out it doesn't change the outcome. If someone wants to be with you, they will. And vice versa.

2. Actions speak louder than words or as one of my loved ones says "talk is cheap." I used to think this was cynical, but recently I've learned it's real. I've never been wooed in my entire life before now (usually I'm the pursuer)  and y'all it feels REALLY good...Dopamine is real and being told sweet nothings and shown nothing but kindness and utmost care feels amazing...until you realize that's all it was. Empty words caught up in the potential of what he wanted it to be (or maybe it could have been) rather than seeing and celebrating me for who I am in reality. A hard lesson but unless someone has made a commitment, words are just that. Another hard lesson: people change their minds. Relationships ebb and flow and just because someone said something a month ago doesn't mean that can't change. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong; you simply see things differently/have different personalities. 

3. And then when someone changes their mind and you feel discarded...it hurts even more because they didn't just treat you normally but like the most amazing thing so when they decide it's over abruptly...it really sucks. No matter how short it was. Time doesn't measure intensity or depth. When something feels too good to be true, it probably (unfortunately) is. Which leads back to #1 and the cycle of clamoring on, trying to salvage the relationship because you want so desperately to keep feeling #2. 

4. Secure love on the other hand feels different; good, but not in a dopamine kind of way (aka healthy!). It doesn't provoke anxiety (or emotional rollercoasters). Discomfort isn't ignored but acknowledged. You can talk through things and actually tell each other how your heart is and know the other person will hold you as you cry through life's challenges and celebrate alongside you through life's joys. You can talk about the future acknowledging any hesitations. Validation and feeling heard are commonplace and needs are requested (and usually met). It's a lot less dopamine, but it's real and although new, certainly preferred. 

5. There is no harm in going slowly, especially if you have hesitations. Dopamine can override this (it certainly did for me!) but everyone needs time away from the relationship to assess how it's going and more importantly make sure you continue to be you outside the relationship. If you want to put up certain boundaries (time, body, space, etc.), do so and don't treat them as optional (I am still telling myself this one!). You matter. Your partner matters. Your sleep matters. And if your love is going to last, it can endure boundaries (and will probably be better off for it!). 

Please comment if this resonated and/or helped you!

Jaguar/Hummingbird: The Post-Honeymoon Phase

 Yoga teacher training was transformational, but that doesn't mean every day was cats and rainbows. I felt resistance in my body, mind, and even spirit. Crying daily, being attacked by miniscule no-see-um bugs (I never thought I'd wish for mosquitoes!), having physical reactions: upset stomach, body aching, fatigue, a craving for creature comforts (my first time ever!), and a large desire to just be home in my comfort zone. Our teachers warned us this would be transformational, and usually before transformation comes discomfort, but I had no idea what that would actually mean as someone who usually prides herself on being adaptable to any situation. 

The stage of Jaguar was all about entering the mind and confronting the shadow self and even when you've done a lot of work on yourself, it turns out that's just one layer. I embodied traumas I haven't thought about in decades, but there they were staring me in the face and viscerally causing my body to react. Breathwork this time involved upchucking and a level of tingles I didn't know possible. Breath is power! Even though I had confronted these traumas on a mental level in therapy and started a new identity without these traumas, I didn't realize that on a physical level, they were still trapped in my body. That night, the power of my breath expelled them from the depths of my core at last, hidden there for far too long. Breath said "I am worthy to take up space. I am worthy to feel. I matter." I started to growl. I started to feel. And that night, I vowed I wasn't going to accept less than that. And even though I've mentally known this a long time, my body needed to embody it. It needed to feel. My voice matters. All of ours do. F*&! anyone who says differently, society will, but society isn't me.

I've known for awhile I'm a people pleaser, but now I've moved into a stage of recovery: I'm a recovering people pleaser. My feelings are valid even if they don't match someone else's, be that partner, family, colleague, or friend. Trying to fit into the classical musician box certainly was one cause of this condition; I had to to survive with "juries" and "Judges" in order to pass. But now, rather than singing music to prove myself as a musician or receive a good grade or add something to my singer resume, I choose what I participate in. I only sing music that is life-giving in a community that is life-giving. As part of work last week, we did a retreat for a client and I heard the term "deload language." We have to break down the language that is being used and explain what is happening. YES! I've needed external validation for too long. Without it, I felt psychologically unsafe- I needed to justify, needed to rationalize, needed to be coaxed, needed to fix. But in this Jaguar phase, I had the opportunity to simply be. 

It wasn't easy. It was emotional. It was scary. It was definitely NOT enjoyable. It was lonely without someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright. My teacher said "this is when we get to learn to hold ourselves" and that was POWERFUL! A few mornings later, I had drawn the card of water so I decided to go down to the water for my walking meditation. Water taught me an important lesson that morning She said my waves can lap at your feet and cuddle you too. Nature can cuddle/hold us too in a way humans can't. We can give back what doesn't serve us to the Earth, be cleansed anew by water, burn away what doesn't serve us or reignite our passion, and breathe in new life with air in every moment. Until that moment, I've relied so much on another human to tell me it was going to be okay. That day I began to realize I don't need that external validation; I had everything I needed within. 

YTT reflections 2: Temezcal

 The temezcal is a traditional sweat lodge ceremony that represents the womb of Mother Earth found throughout Central America. Essentially it’s a circular dome made from Earth heated by steam from the coals in the middle that you sit around naked. The idea is Mother Earth is holding you, such a beautiful image. Each round of stones honors a different element. they add more coals and then add water to them, making it hotter with each puerta (literally door since Adding stones is the only time the door is open) and it is all done in ceremony with prayers, blessings, and songs. 

I’m working on a song about the experience but suffice it to say that I’ve never sweat so much or been so hot in my entire life and I’ve done two of these before! But afterwards you feel so amazing! 

It’s quite traditional to go naked which we did. At the end after leaving the temezcal, we drank a butterfly pea herbal Tea out of coconut shells to rehydrate And sat by a fire. It was such a beautiful image. Women in the middle of the jungle, circled round the fire naked.  Something that would usually be seen as wrong, was an experience bringing us back to our roots as what I imagine cave women did. 

As you can imagine, these experiences in the serpent cycle/the body have created a really sacred sangha (community) and I can only imagine what this next cycle of the Jaguar/mind will teach me/unravel. Stay tuned!

Yoga Teacher Training (YTT) Cycle 1 Reflections: Power of Breath Work

 Intro: if you ask me how yoga teacher training is going, you’re gonna get a real answer (below is just an excerpt of the transformation that has already begun). But if you want the summary, the place is lovely with a lively frog chorus, a beautiful Guanacaste tree, a natural pool, and more butterflies than I’ve ever seen! The food is good, there’s only three students so it’s super intimate and they’re all lovely women (1 German, the other student and teachers from the US). 

And yes we are still practicing asana (the part of yoga most westerners call yoga) and learning how to teach a class. We’re also meditating, chanting, singing, breathing, journaling, practicing silence, and learning so so Much. I am so grateful for this experience and it’s only 25% complete! 

A major shoutout to School of Yoga Institute for letting me join so late after Peru fell through, giving me a generous scholarship, and still going ahead with the training despite the small class size and probably a financial loss. Also if you’re ever on the island of Ometepe check out Wanderlust Utopia for your stay!

And now for a deeper, longer answer. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’m seeing more types and amounts of butterflies than I’ve ever seen before, in a place full of transformation.  Here’s one example.

…and I’ve been giving away my power for too long

So I’m taking it back back back

‘Cuz it’s mine

We’ve done a lot of singing and this line of a song we sing has summed up the first cycle of the training where we studied the serpent of the Peruvian medicine wheel and shedding what no longer serves us. I realized both based on my upbringing and societal condition I’ve become a perpetual people pleaser and been afraid to ask for what I need or not known how to ask it for fear of rejection. One of the most powerful questions I’ve learned through therapy Is “what do you need”? Imagine if this was the default response to any human, especially children. As Brene Brown has taught me, we have to know how to identify our emotions in order to process them. The average human knows only THREE: angry, sad, and happy. No wonder there’s so much anger and hurt in the world, that’s ⅔ of the emotions we on average know! 

This cycle was about processing a lot of emotions, especially stuck ones. As women we’re taught not to feel, or at least not to be too sensitive or need to be consoled if we are upset,  or someone tries to fix whatever is bothering us rather than allowing us to feel. This cycle was all about letting it all go and feeeeeelliiiiinnnngggg.

The most impactful part was done through  something called holotropic breath work. The incredible thing is all you do is breathe, and on the exhale you make a sound, whatever comes out, sometimes this can be a sigh, other times it can be a yell or even a scream. Whatever your body needs. The amazing thing is you’re encouraged to keep going no matter how loud/intense the emotions. Your body may do all sorts of things and will almost definitely clamp up and tingle. Mine shivered, got really hot, convulsed, chattered, coughed, cried, gagged. It was a whole new level of embodying emotions. It might have been the only time in my life outside therapy where I was encouraged to feel! No consoling, no asking what was wrong, no problem solving.

Afterwards, my body was so heavy I didn’t feel I could even move it. My mind was absent and I’m not sure I’ve ever been so present in a savasana! I saw shapes, rainbow colors and most amazingly and importantly experiences  I never thought I could forgive, that had been buried in my body for the past 15 years were forgiven. I even had empathy and mercy for the other parties responsible and the wounded souls they had to possess to do such horrific things. 

My personal challenge is for all of you to try breathwork. I had done it before but it was nothing like this. Every time Is different and it’s important to not have any expectations. The beautiful thing is you can’t do it wrong since all it is is breathing. Having a spaceholder was key though as she did come around and help us through the intensity and/or helped ground us. I’m not sure I would do this on my own! Doing it as a group also created a sense of safety Because you heard other women feel so you knew you a) weren’t alone and b) weren’t the only one releasing crazy noises! 

I guarantee we all have at least one if not a full list of feelings/memories/traumas/Samskaras (conditioning that has distorted us from our true selves) that we need to work out of the body! It’s worked w ptsd victims and I guarantee it’ll have an impact on you!

Rejection is Redirection

 One of my resolutions for 2021 was to start writing publicly again. I've probably had a more consistent journal practice this past year than ever before but now my challenge is to share feelings publicly. As many of you now know, I didn't get the Fulbright to Spain and learned this the same day I made a public announcement about my departure from ComMUSICation the end of this school year. But when my friend told me "rejection is redirection," these words have really stuck with me. Probably because rejection has been such a common feeling as a musician, a non-societal-typical girl, and a non-married-in-her-30s woman in general. But as I look back on some of the biggest rejections, I remember how it was a redirection. Read on if you want to hear my story. Feel free to comment with your biggest redirections!

The first professional redirection I remember was in college when I was diagnosed with tendonitis. Try as I might, my piano teacher saw right through my schemes and told me he couldn't teach me if he was causing me pain. One of the humblest moments to this day was being in a beginner piano studio relearning how to play as a senior in college, but ya know what? I kept at it and a year later played a very advanced piece (Beethoven's Violin Sonata) pain-free. 

Had it not been for that redirection, I may not have ever found my love for teaching and been able to do it without demonstrating. Starting as a college freshman, I had started a small business of accompanying/teaching piano, Z's Keys. As accompanying dwindled in possibilities of what I could physically play, I took on more teaching. Of course it was better than frying chicken fingers at the college cafe, but more so I actually loved it. I loved seeing my students' progress, and realized, even without playing to demonstrate as my previous teachers had done, that I was a good teacher. Unfortunately, the music ed advisor was horrible at the time so I had been turned off from pursuing that route (still the only W on my transcript!), nor did I ever want to be a classroom teacher. But that redirection was the reason that made me qualified to teach in Tanzania and eventually brought me into Sistema classrooms across the world. All of a sudden my physical limitation didn't matter because it wasn't about me, it was about me empowering others to discover their creative outlet/potential, and that was FAR more rewarding than playing for hours in a practice room ever was to me. As an extrovert, I struggled to practice for hours/day so this was actually a win-win solution! 

My second memorable rejection was when my vocal audition for the "top" choir at our college (I'll refrain from names, but it depends who you ask at the time) bombed. My high range was shot and I was a senior so I knew that was my last chance! That rejection allowed me to study abroad and be in a choir where all voice colors were welcome, and that's what my soul needed. Not to be in a "perfect" choir, but to be in a community making excellent music-and that's what I did! I still despise auditions, afraid my name won't make a list, (it's happened many times) but I've also learned when I don't make it, I find other ways to make meaningful music in community and now am part of several auditioned choirs and project-based choir whose values align with me far more than any professional gig every could! I choose to make music, not to make a living, but to express myself and deliver a message to the world with an amazing community of like-minded people: singing at La Frontera (the border) in Tijuana/San Diego, making new songs with a trans-immigrant population in Tijuana, laughing until my stomach hurts IN REHEARSAL (not too many professional-sounding choirs can say that!), learning non-romance languages about women, these are the reasons I sing. These have certainly pushed me outside the comfortable box and also helped me realize the ways I CAN contribute to an ensemble, rather than focusing on those I struggle with. It's helped me find my musician identity rather than thinking I'm not a musician because I don't check x box. Going from a first soprano to a first/second alto was an identity shift to say the least, but I'm not sad about it one bit! I finally feel like I'm using my voice (previously deemed too chesty/manly) and singing is easy rather than a prescribed, cultivated voice that was brittle at best as a soprano after college.

Big statement I'm shifting toward: If someone doesn't want me and my whole self, mistakes and limitations included, I no longer want to make music with them. For that matter, if someone doesn't want me and my whole self for anything, I no longer want to invest in those relationships. I've been such a people pleaser to belong, to achieve, to prove I am worthy, and I no longer need that. 

This new chapter isn't about achievements or names for a resume or anything externally pleasing, it's about redirection that is internally pleasing and honors my whole self, wellness at the top of that list. I am a hard worker, anyone who knows me will tell you that, but so often I have sacrificed work for a healthy meal, a rest, a dance class, a walk on a beautiful day, a jog with a friend, things that fill me up. You can't do hard work if you don't fill yourself up consistently. So I'm putting in the rocks of wellness/joy first and then filling up the metaphorical jar with the sand of working hard, rather than vice versa that I've been doing for so long. 

Quarantined in MN/Sri Lanka Top 10

No, I'm not on some exotic adventure now. I'm stuck at home in Minneapolis, Minnesota during COVID-19 outbreak practicing my #socialdistancing and debating how to have a #virtualbirthdayparty. And while it sucks that life isn't normal and I'm not supposed to leave the house except for necessities, I've actually done quite a few things I haven't done in a long time: played guitar (I'm amazed how much I remember), done artwork, cooked real, full meals multiple days in a row, and talked to friends I haven't in awhile. I want to elaborate a little more on playing guitar because it was the first time in AT LEAST six years that I've picked up an instrument without any intention of rehearsing, performing, or having to be good. I played because it was healing, enjoyable, and needed at this time. Sadly, like most professionals in our field, music hasn't always been that to me and can be full of rejection, feeling not good enough, or downright exclusive. I'm finally able to separate the action of music-making from what we as humans, namely music professionals, have ascribed it to. It felt so good to use my musical ear to tune the guitar and then *ahem figure out the riff in Bieber's Love Myself rather than look it up. I even dropped out of a choral project yesterday because it wasn't giving me joy (I didn't like the music). I don't have to prove my musical worth anymore-I've found enough ensembles that do that without trying-shout out to Common Ground Voices La Frontera and See Change Treble Choir! And now every night at 7p I am trying to get as many people as possible to go out on their porches/front stoops and sing Lennon's "Imagine" to keep us all in a mood of hope, community, and hopefully our world can be as one soon enough!

And on that note, I'm now finally writing about my amazing two weeks in Sri Lanka! Huge thanks to #GLT, Lonely Planet, and many Travel blogs for all their recs!

I want to give a top 10 list for Sri Lanka for when this ends and you can travel (which will happen!) because Sri Lanka was an amazing country and not tourist-ridden-we didn't see one American!

1) Talk to locals-most of them speak at least broken English and aside from tuk tuk drivers won't treat you as a tourist. One of my favorite memories was asking my guesthouse mama to show me some Sri Lankan cooking. She showed me how to make coconut sambal and coconut roti, and yes that includes peeling the coconut with a machine dedicated to doing so! Curry leaves are key! Also almost every guesthouse we went to had an option of a cheap dinner/breakfast-say yes, food is amazing and street food isn't really a thing.

2) PickMe the app saved us driver fees and was far cheaper than Uber almost always. Beware of distances. 25 miles can take 2.5 hours because there is only one highway so if you're not on that route, you're going through villages etc. But so worth it to go see elephants in Pinnawala! Hotel Elephant Park you can wake up to elephants right outside your $40 hotel room balcony for an all-inclusive $5 breakfast buffet! Also there are no driving rules so I wouldn't recommend driving or getting out of the car on the right side (British driving on left side of road).

3) Buy your Kandy-Ella ticket early if you want a seat. You will get on the train, but could be standing. Granted, everyone was vying for the door anyway to take the legendary hanging off the train photo (see below). You won't go over Nine Arch Bridge unless you pass Ella so don't let photos fool you.

4) Ambulawa Temple-not on the tourist path, but not too far out of your way from Kandy to Nuware Eliya. Crazy Dr. Seuss looking temple with a winding staircase up to the stuppa. It is the first multi-faith centre in SL! You can take an overpriced tuk tuk to the top that will wait for you or you can hike up yourself. Your choice, but it is quite a hike!

5) Knuckles Mountains-I can't recommend Gamani from Sri Lanka Adventure Trekking enough. As he described himself, he's a senior guide, knew all the locals of the villages we passed through, knew a hidden lookout (so was the path to get there!), and showed us a natural spice garden so no need to stop at one of the many tourist traps when you're chewing cinnamon from the wild (and it tastes like a natural Hot Tamale)! Definitely recommend the SkyCamp stay and going through Corbett's Gap. Just ensure you have a bottle of Dettol and socks/shoes you don't care about because you WILL get leeches, yes plural, and if you don't get 'em right away they will suck right through your shoe/sock. So worth it though! Rice paddies, centennials, waterfalls, natural spring water, beautiful views, and lots of hiking through cloud forests.

6) There's A LOT of temples, which we personally were satisfied without trying. Some highlights: Dambulla Cave temples and Temple of the Sacred Tooth in Kandy-Go see the puja offering (offering) that happens 3 times a day. The other temple towns we skipped-it was hot, they were expensive, and after awhile they all feel the same.

7) A cheaper version of Sigiriya Rock is Pidirungala. A bit of off-path bouldering is required, but well worth the view of Sigiriya Rock and far fewer people. Don't listen to the 20 min timeframe. We were booking it up the stairs and it took 25 mins to get up and an hour total to take pics and descend. Also if your tuk tuk driver isn't there, he didn't run off with your stuff, probably just went up the road for tea time (speaking from real experience). Strongly recommend getting his (didn't see any lady tuk tuks) number so you can communicate if you have a change in plan.

8) Whatever you do, DON'T have a layover in Mumbai Airport. Yes, tickets are cheap from there, but just don't unless you want SEVEN security checks and no time to enjoy the layover. If you have a bag over 7 kg you have to check it and you'll have to leave the secure area which a) requires a visa b) requires a lot of security checks and c) once you re-enter the airport you can't go through security until 3 hours before your flight and you can't leave the airport. Just don't do it-trust me.

 9) Spoil yourself with an Ayurveda resort for a very cheap price. Jasmin Villa in Negombo was <$20 for a 75 min full body massage and pedicure! Beware of oil-they're generous to say the least!

10) I'm almost hesitant to say this last one, but we read Hirikiteya Beach was the perfect mix of nightlife and calm and no one was there (2018 Lonely Planet)-WRONG. When we went to check it out it was people everywhere-no spare room, full of hawkers and tourists everywhere. Meanwhile, a 20 min tuk tuk ride (~8 km) there was a beach full of paradise called Talalla where we found Onchillawa, a tent for $5 on the beach, greeted with fresh coconut water w/ reusable straws, turtle laying her eggs, no hawkers, and very few people outside the beach bar we were at, which had AMAZING sea food and only people at night who were all very cool. Don't expect much from the town, but what do you need anyway when you go on a beach vacation? Swings, beach chairs, umbrellas, ocean waves, and a long coastline-check. You do need to get cash before arrival because there are no ATMs, but Matara or Dikwella aren't far. Dikwella was another more local beach more in the city but still felt the remote feeling. Would've explored more had we had more time.

Bonus 11) If you do a safari at Wilpattu (way fewer people than Yala!), commit to a whole day. Everyone that saw a leopard (we did not) did a full day and saw them in the afternoon. But we saw some really cool birds, including a wild peacock mating dance with its full cloak! It's pretty rare to see a sloth bear as much as we wanted to see one.

Random things: Incense is everywhere, even in the market fish and the taxis!

See below for some pics (many more on Facebook!):

the famous Nine Arch Bridge in Ella

Homemade coconut roti we cooked!

Yes, that is the village road (note the droves of school children!

View of Talalla Beach from our tent, no more words needed

On the train to Ella!

Power of Labels

Until 2018, I called myself a jogger because I'm not fast, nor did I do long races. I ran for stress relief, for endorphins, and to socialize. But once I ran 10 miles in April, in 14 degrees, I decided I was due for an upgrade and proudly claimed the title. Labels have power. Some beneficial, some not at all. Runner is one of those powerful ones. One I only admired from afar, but have actually become! All of a sudden using that label I felt more legitimate and less like I had to justify jogging vs. running. !

Now four months later training for a half marathon, I can DEFINITELY claim it! I've heard it said before, but it's truly more a mental thing than anything! I'm training this time around with no music-previously the only way I can run and for race day I'll probably prepare a playlist just in case! But this time it's more about kinesthetic memory of my legs running and less about the beat they're running to and guess what? I am running lighter, faster, and more consistently than ever before! Even with ten days of not running AT ALL (granted I was schlepping canoes and paddling for some of that), I ran almost 7 yesterday with no issues and another 5 today. So I'm less anxious of the week before the race only hiking in Glacier-though the distances will be comparable! And I'm not sore. And I feel great!

I realized how many expectations I was putting on the label "runner." And just decided to stop doing that. It's no different than "musician," really. I get to define what these terms mean and as long as I do the activity I can use the label. Almost halfway into thirty and I can't think of a year where I feel freer (yay no school!), healthier, or more self-assured about an age where I am FINALLY embracing my whole self and not letting previous limits or preconceived notions of what a runner or musician is stop me. I'm done letting society tell me what I am/am not supposed to be doing, own, or have. I am living my life that IS what I am doing, have, and am. And it feels pretty excellent!

So here's to 2018-a year of being a runner and a musician. Thanks, thirty. You're pretty wise :)